Lady M & Patria: Of what Was, the Now & the Future

This post is a direct result of the comment by “Lady M” (25-Aug-08 5:39 PM) at the main page, plus the one from “Patria” (24-Aug-08 4:16 PM). The latter’s comment is short, but it made an impact on me. I’ll quote that sentence here:

“I’m touched by what you wrote. Hope you find whatever it is you seek in this life.”

As I had replied earlier, I seem to have forgotten what it was that I’m seeking in life. So how will I ever find “it”?? That means I am lost… But Patria’s comment helped to put me in check – I have to sit down and think about “it” again; and build up the resolve to go back on the right path.

As for Lady M’s comment, it got me into deep thought on quite a few matters – all of which are important. I’ll re-print her comment in full, for I’ll be referring to it again and again:

“Just happened to come across your blog and I wanna say that guys like you deserve the upmost respect. It is never easy to admit one’s fault. To look into one’s self and find what’s wrong is something only a brave person would do..

I am glad that you have finally found the light and hopefully your family stands up together with you to see you through it.

As humans, we are never spared from making mistakes thus all the best to you in your conquest in seeking whatever it is that you want in life. Not only for yourself but also for your loved ones.. coz I am sure those who loves you suffered the most during those period of uncertainty.”

Firstly, I must say this: This weblog is still new (two weeks), and the “hits” counter here shows that it’s not exactly “Rocky’s Bru” or Engku Emran’s “Between My Legs”:-) However, to the people who have left their comments: You folks don’t know how much they’ve touched me … mekyam, arep, Ted (of The Gossip Lounge), Patria, Lady M.

If these were to be the only comments that I’ll ever receive … They already make my starting this blog worthwhile!

This is only the first of my responses from the comments by Patria and Lady M – there will be more, for they touch on what life is all about … of what my life was, what it is now and what I want it to be.

I don’t really know where to begin. But I’m haunted by Lady M’s last line:

“coz I am sure those who loves you suffered the most during those period of uncertainty.”

Yes, they did … my parents (both are still alive, Alhamdulillah), my children, my wife, my in-laws… This is one of the things that had tormented me – of knowing and realising that they – THE INNOCENTS – had suffered because of me!

There is only one thing for me to do now: I have to set this right, to make amends for all the wrongs that I have done towards them. There is no other way…

I remember this particular doa (prayer) that “came inside me”. It was in the police lockup, while waiting to be sent to Pusat Serenti Gambang, Kuantan after I had received the court order on Monday, 31 Oct 2005. This is the prayer that I had asked of God, from that day until the day I was released on Monday 18 Dec 2006:

“Ya Allah, Bukalah jalan dan Berikan aku peluang
untuk Menebus segala dosa,
dan Membaiki segala kesalahan
yang aku telah buat terhadap Mereka.“

I’ll continue to come back to this particular post, for it touches on what I want, and what I hope God will help give me the strength and will to try and try … and hopefully to finally achieve.

Thank you; Lady M, Patria and all of you kind folks; for making me think, and giving me the strength, will and desire to continue with this journey…

[Footnote: Around 9 pm – after writing this post, and definitely spurred by it – I went to see `a very important someone’ : one of the persons whom I need to make amends to … praying to God to give me the chance, to create an opening, for me to start/continue making amends to her … praying that she will one day accept them … ]

* 7pm Aug 27: After reading and thinking about the comment by Lady M on August 27, 9:10 am, I know that I must do something more than just to “hope” – of just leaving everything to God and not making enough efforts on my part. For one thing, I lack knowledge of “Relationships”, that’s a fact. But I want to learn, to understand and to try, for this is crucial to me. I came across this article, which I feel is quite relevant to one of the problems that I’m facing right now. It’s from OfSpirit.com – “Healing Body, Mind and Spirit”:

Relationships: Conflict Resolution Without Words
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

In the last few decades, partners have spent countless hours trying to “work out problems.” Yet over and over again they often come up against a major roadblock: they just don’t see things the same way. No matter how long they talk and how hard they try, neither ends up feeling really heard and understood.

While there are some couples that just naturally see things the same way, most people have a really hard time seeing things through the other person’s eyes. What often happens when they “communicate” is that each person tries to get the other person to see things his or her way. Instead of solving the problem, each is trying to have control over how the other person sees things. This often leads to more conflict and frustration.

While I am not suggesting that couples stop communicating over problems and issues, I am offering an additional way of resolving conflict: taking loving action in your own behalf.

This form of conflict resolution is about action rather than talk. Following are some of the actions you can take that may make a world of difference in your relationship. Continue to read here… [Due to respect of copyright ownership, I will not paste the whole article here. Yes, the owners would (probably) not be too bothered with my doing so, but I’m doing this `for me’ too. Have to consider the spiritual side of it – of doing something wrong even if my intentions are good]