Six Steps of Inner Bonding – eBook

I’m far from done with the last post. In fact, this post is an extension of it. In my quest to learn more about something that I’m weak at – “Relationship” – I was led to this site: It came about after reading an article by Dr Margaret Paul at

Anyway, I went to her site and had downloaded a PDF file (395 KB) of the above title. I’m still reading it, but here is what it’s about:

Welcome to our introductory course on the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. This
course will give you all the basics of the Inner Bonding process. Inner Bonding is a
process which, when practiced consistently, heals fear, limiting beliefs, anger, shame,
guilt, aloneness, depression, anxiety, addictive behavior, as well as relationship
problems. Inner Bonding provides you with the skills to take loving care of yourself,
share your love with others, and be empowered to take full responsibility for all your
own feelings and behavior.

You can read it at this link. Or if you prefer to download it for offline reading, right-click on it and choose “Save link as…” or something similar, depending on your browser. BTW I use Firefox and Opera. Yes, at the same time:-) Occasionally, Internet Explorer is running too; when I’m doing that “Updating Windows”.

Lady M & Patria: Of what Was, the Now & the Future

This post is a direct result of the comment by “Lady M” (25-Aug-08 5:39 PM) at the main page, plus the one from “Patria” (24-Aug-08 4:16 PM). The latter’s comment is short, but it made an impact on me. I’ll quote that sentence here:

“I’m touched by what you wrote. Hope you find whatever it is you seek in this life.”

As I had replied earlier, I seem to have forgotten what it was that I’m seeking in life. So how will I ever find “it”?? That means I am lost… But Patria’s comment helped to put me in check – I have to sit down and think about “it” again; and build up the resolve to go back on the right path.

As for Lady M’s comment, it got me into deep thought on quite a few matters – all of which are important. I’ll re-print her comment in full, for I’ll be referring to it again and again:

“Just happened to come across your blog and I wanna say that guys like you deserve the upmost respect. It is never easy to admit one’s fault. To look into one’s self and find what’s wrong is something only a brave person would do..

I am glad that you have finally found the light and hopefully your family stands up together with you to see you through it.

As humans, we are never spared from making mistakes thus all the best to you in your conquest in seeking whatever it is that you want in life. Not only for yourself but also for your loved ones.. coz I am sure those who loves you suffered the most during those period of uncertainty.”

Firstly, I must say this: This weblog is still new (two weeks), and the “hits” counter here shows that it’s not exactly “Rocky’s Bru” or Engku Emran’s “Between My Legs”:-) However, to the people who have left their comments: You folks don’t know how much they’ve touched me … mekyam, arep, Ted (of The Gossip Lounge), Patria, Lady M.

If these were to be the only comments that I’ll ever receive … They already make my starting this blog worthwhile!

This is only the first of my responses from the comments by Patria and Lady M – there will be more, for they touch on what life is all about … of what my life was, what it is now and what I want it to be.

I don’t really know where to begin. But I’m haunted by Lady M’s last line:

“coz I am sure those who loves you suffered the most during those period of uncertainty.”

Yes, they did … my parents (both are still alive, Alhamdulillah), my children, my wife, my in-laws… This is one of the things that had tormented me – of knowing and realising that they – THE INNOCENTShad suffered because of me!

There is only one thing for me to do now: I have to set this right, to make amends for all the wrongs that I have done towards them. There is no other way…

I remember this particular doa (prayer) that “came inside me”. It was in the police lockup, while waiting to be sent to Pusat Serenti Gambang, Kuantan after I had received the court order on Monday, 31 Oct 2005. This is the prayer that I had asked of God, from that day until the day I was released on Monday 18 Dec 2006:

“Ya Allah, Bukalah jalan dan Berikan aku peluang
untuk Menebus segala dosa,
dan Membaiki segala kesalahan
yang aku telah buat terhadap Mereka.

I’ll continue to come back to this particular post, for it touches on what I want, and what I hope God will help give me the strength and will to try and try … and hopefully to finally achieve.

Thank you; Lady M, Patria and all of you kind folks; for making me think, and giving me the strength, will and desire to continue with this journey…

[Footnote: Around 9 pm – after writing this post, and definitely spurred by it – I went to see `a very important someone’ : one of the persons whom I need to make amends to … praying to God to give me the chance, to create an opening, for me to start/continue making amends to her … praying that she will one day accept them … ]

* 7pm Aug 27: After reading and thinking about the comment by Lady M on August 27, 9:10 am, I know that I must do something more than just to “hope” – of just leaving everything to God and not making enough efforts on my part. For one thing, I lack knowledge of “Relationships”, that’s a fact. But I want to learn, to understand and to try, for this is crucial to me. I came across this article, which I feel is quite relevant to one of the problems that I’m facing right now. It’s from – “Healing Body, Mind and Spirit”:

Relationships: Conflict Resolution Without Words
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

In the last few decades, partners have spent countless hours trying to “work out problems.” Yet over and over again they often come up against a major roadblock: they just don’t see things the same way. No matter how long they talk and how hard they try, neither ends up feeling really heard and understood.

While there are some couples that just naturally see things the same way, most people have a really hard time seeing things through the other person’s eyes. What often happens when they “communicate” is that each person tries to get the other person to see things his or her way. Instead of solving the problem, each is trying to have control over how the other person sees things. This often leads to more conflict and frustration.

While I am not suggesting that couples stop communicating over problems and issues, I am offering an additional way of resolving conflict: taking loving action in your own behalf.

This form of conflict resolution is about action rather than talk. Following are some of the actions you can take that may make a world of difference in your relationship. Continue to read here… [Due to respect of copyright ownership, I will not paste the whole article here. Yes, the owners would (probably) not be too bothered with my doing so, but I’m doing this `for me’ too. Have to consider the spiritual side of it – of doing something wrong even if my intentions are good]

Conversations with Ted of The Gossip Lounge

I’ve decided to do some housekeeping with my blog. Over time, the main page will be long – too long with comments.

I’ve decided to create this specific post and move all the comments related to my conversations with Ted here. BTW, it’s not exclusive to me and Ted of The Gossip Lounge alone – anyone and everyone are welcomed to comment. In fact, I’d love to hear your points too – That will fulfill one of my main reasons for starting this blog … for me to learn and also share what I know.

You might be wondering what this one in particular is all about. Okay, Ted here is someone I knew after visiting his blog – a young, opinionated guy. And intelligent and thoughtful.

After that we’ve exchanged our views here and there – at his blog too. This becomes confusing – besides making my main page very long.  So, I’ve moved (copy and delete actually) everything from there to this post:

[Start of previous conversations with Ted here. I’ll copy what I had first posted at his blog later]

FROM: Rebuilding a self & life destroyed … One day at a time

2008/08/18 at 11:25 PM

cendana287 [This is me, of course … or “mart anon” ]

NOTE to others here: You might be a bit confused with the comment by thegossiplounge above. Actually, he is replying to *my* comment made at *his* blog in the “Rindu laaa nanti!” post on 18 08 2008 here:

I’m going to paste my comment below at his blog after this, since it’s related to the above – “One good turn deserves another”.

*My* blog will be a hit?…and SOON too?
Ted, you are among the most optimistic person I’ve known! :-)
No, there’s not much here yet … not enough compelling reasons for people to come and come again; to put it in their blogroll etc.

And it’s a good thing too, for right now I’m not too prepared to receive more than a couple of `riders’ (to borrow Engku Emran’s term) daily right now. I want to do things here like what the good people of Narcotics Anonymous recommend when it comes to rehabilitation and recovery- Go it slow and steady.

You know, I have to admit that I do feel pride when I read your comments here … to have these coming from someone like you – a young, upcoming, educated and well-read guy (your level of English, and the way you meander between different topics within the same post – if you had not put in “enough mileage” when it comes to reading, you wouldn’t be able to do that … unless maybe if English is your first language at home and in your country.)

There’s usually “the generation gap”. This is one of the advantages that I had inadvertently received when I spent 16 months in prison and pusat from Aug 05 to mid-Dec 06 – I had mixed with people from 21 to 62. More importantly, I *had learnt to listen more than to speak*.

I was fortunate not to have had the “superiority complex” when mixing with those a lot younger or/and less educated from day One. Older people, or those with higher education and `better’ jobs, or lifetime experiences. They tend to belittle and underestimate others. As such, they have the inclination “to teach” but not “to learn”.

One of the inmates whom I was close to was 21 at that time. He had been in jail THREE times already! We were to spend time in prison AND pusat together. There was something in him that I admired, because it was a quality I didn’t have – his mood was always balanced, with just small swings. Mine, however, was a roller-coaster. And I told him so – of how much “I wish I could be like him”.

Many good things came from this. Firstly, from that moment, I accepted that “I could learn something from those younger and less educated”. Secondly, I became more humble and gracious; willing to praise and compliment others instead of finding faults. Thirdly, he received self-confidence from my statement; and also accepted me as a friend (despite TWICE the age difference). Fourthly, he trusted me 100% and would spill his heart out; knowing that I’ll listen and not judge. Or to reveal his secrets to others. It also made me like a counsellor – I gradually gained the ability to “really listen” to others.

Your description of your office environment: Yes, it may not be prison or pusat, but always keep in mind that “people are always the same”. That “superiority complex” I mentioned above – see whether it applies to your office.

Talking about politics – It seems to be everywhere nowadays. I used to be a “taksub” and stubborn type once. But nowadays, I prefer to avoid talking of things that have the potential of creating bad feelings – no matter how “important” some people think they are.

“RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT – and NOT which candidate, political party or football team wins”. It covers every type … with family members, neighbours, friends, superiors, colleagues, other races and religions etc.

I’m now placing TOP PRIORITY in establishing and maintaining the above than anything else. The closer and more frequent, the more important the priority is. What use is `winning’ something when it comes with deterioration in relationships?

If you are a fanatical PKR supporter (or BN, doesn’t matter); and then Anwar Ibrahim does become PM, while BN is crushed. But then many others at the office are strong BN supporters. What exactly have you `won’? The pleasure of seeing your horse coming tops? Okay, but what about the bad feelings with those BN supporters at the office – people whom you see and interact with 8 hours a day, 5-6 times a week?

On the other hand, if relationships are good, it doesn’t really matter who wins. Even if PKR loses, you’ll still be happy and cheerful enough during those working hours. So in reality, you don’t lose anything.

2008/08/19 at 2:06 AM


dear sir..
thanx for ur kind words.. its nice to finally exchange ideas and view on certain things that seems unimportant to some people.. the thing is, God is good.
i once, depended so much on my friends that when He graciously took them away, although we’re still in touch and are still friends, it doesnt seem the same anymore and i had to learn so many things on my own…
so how the hell to overcome these obstacles? jumping right back on the horse doesn’t seem to work for me…for every pleasant experience there are more bad ones…not to mention the damn flip flops my stomach does…i actually start to feel panic…ridiculous isn’t it? or is it? little children stick their hands on the burner, burn their hands and learn not to touch the burner…is it so different? and yet, i want to overcome them…I feel like an idiot most of the time…it seems absolutely ridiculous to me that I can’t just shrug off the bullshit anymore…
it’s been a long journey and today, i’m not self-conscious and don’t care what people say about me much. i initiate conversations and find it very thrilling to compliment people. and my compliments are genuine, not flattering, because naturally, i’m not profuse with compliments although i thrive on receiving compliments, but when it came from you, dunno lah, rasa macam malu because.. no one said things as u said to me.. flattered la! haha. and the thing is, i had never thought of the concept of impact on what i write to some ppl.. yeah some bloggers do leave comments on my postings but i never really felt anything good about it as clearly some of em were just reading in a glimpse.. they had no idea on the purpose of some postings.. some of it were serious issues and to be frank, none of em really give any of their views about it..
is it me or the bloggers i know were only keen to talk about chicks, holidays and foods?
hmmm back and forth, im glad we met (”,)
P/S – i wish not to touch on you personal issues sebab i takut salah cakap… its damaging enough because u experience it urself, u wouldnt want to talk about it anymore, (or maybe you would based on ur postings), but maybe we should focus on the real things in life should we…
really! i really want to know how many people don’t take things personal. It seems that personal is what this whole world is going toward, so why do we tell and get told to not take it so personal when someone insults you, negates you, ignores you, mistreats you, cheers for you, hugs you, and on and on and on?
i do realize that we are getting personalized everything… personal pizza, personalized web pages, etc… if the world is becoming more personal, how do we not take issues, situations, communications as persona kan? hmmmm.. i dah merepek2 pulakk ..
jadi bengong metar haha (”,)… the thing is, i want u to know that, i know ur a good person at its best and whatever happened to u, for me, doesnt picture u as a whole. its just a piece and a piece can be thrown away and replaces with better half..
have a great day today! (”,)

My first 7 days in Blogworld

It’s exactly one week since I started this blog. And I must say that it has been a fruitful and worthwhile week indeed on matters that directly involve this blog.

For one thing, I’ve had three individuals who were kind enough to have left their comments here. “So few??”, someone particular with all things statistics might remark. No, it’s not “few” or “many”  that I’m concerned with here – it’s the fact that they are three PEOPLE.

When we think more deeply about it, it’s remarkable, really … three fellow humans willing to spend a few minutes of their LIMITED lives SPECIFICALLY FOR ME! And two of them have even come back again, with one also sending a couple of e-mails. These mean that I’ve managed to have varying degrees of relationship with others – something that might not have been possible without my laptop, Celcom Broadband (never mind the slow GPRS 53Kbps speed) and this blog.

The first person to leave a comment was someone with the handle of mekyam. With a bit of IP checking, I’ve realized a remarkable thing  … I most likely know her! And vice versa … From seven years ago at an Internet group.

Let’s go Wiki and join communities – Wikipedia

The Wikimedia Foundation and Project Gutenberg: These are the Internet collaboration projects closest to my heart.

Readers here might wonder what these have to do with “recovery from drugs”. Well, a lot actually. In a way, they remind me of the Narcotics Anonymous (NA) fellowship; and they do have many similarities. You’ll see this later below.

I’ll write more about Project Gutenberg and Narcotics Anonymous in separate posts another time. Today, I’m going to say a bit about Wikimedia, and what we can do to help each other. And “we” here means “us all … fellow humans”. Please remember that whenever I use this term, I do not refer only to recovering addicts or active addicts; unless the post is specifically about these.

Let’s get back to what I really have in mind here… 

Wikimedia: Its stated goal is to develop and maintain open content, wiki-based projects and to provide the full contents of those projects to the public free of charge. It operates several online collaborative wiki projects including Wikipedia, Wiktionary, Wikiquote, Wikibooks (including Wikijunior), Wikisource, Wikimedia Commons, Wikispecies, Wikinews, Wikiversity, Wikimedia Incubator and Meta-Wiki.”

I’m going write a bit about its flagship project – Wikipedia. Basically, it is an online free encyclopaedia … a free encyclopaedia that anyone can edit. And it ranks among the top ten most-visited websites worldwide. (BTW it is also spelt as “encyclopedia”)

“So what?”, the more cynical might ask. Well, take into consideration that there are hundreds of thousand, or maybe even more than a million sites on the Internet; so being in the Top 10 IS A BIG DEAL!

But the more important thing is this – Why it got to be so popular … its content. Try doing a search for something there … oh, about “drugs”, for instance – you’ll get a lot of useful information instantly from that site alone; besides getting other links to follow up on.

Another great thing about Wikipedia is that, you can use the information for free, for there is no copyright.

So where does all the information come from? From us all… Or at least, from the people who had spent their precious time and energy researching and writing for free.

This is where Wikipedia shares some basic similarities with Poject Gutenberg and Narcotics Anonymous – having the same spirit of cooperation, selflessness and mutual help. I want to be involved in these, and I have started doing so with Wikipedia.

I now have an Internet connection from home since the middle of last month [16 July 08] – a basic Celcom Broadband 3G access. I was deprived of this necessity for six years, after having my fixed line dial-up disconnected due to unpaid bills (Guess why, and where the money had gone to). So getting back an Internet connection – and at a reasonable, fixed rate subscription – is something to be grateful for. I’ll write more about this in another post.

At Wikipedia, I’m also cendana287 (I’ll also write about what “cendana”and “287” mean later). I’ve looked around for topics that I can contribute to – and there are a lot. Right now, I’m concentrating on topics concerning “Malaysia”.

Involvement in Wikipedia brings about the feelings of satisfaction, pride and hopefulness. When I was using, I was only concerned about “me”, “myself”… and not giving others the time and energy required. Basically, I was a loner – I chose to become one.

Well, I hope to change this, for “No man is an island”. Try and pervert this, and you’ll receive the consequences … negative ones. I believe that to rehabilitate, one must be a part of society … a part of OTHER BIGGER THINGS. Being involved in collaborative online projects is one of them.

But involvement can get seductive, and be misleading if I’m not careful – of thinking and feeling that “I’m already getting involved in society”. Yes, being involved in online projects is good and beneficial, but there must be a balance. At this particular moment, my own balance is not too good.

I have to keep reminding myself (as I’m doing right now) to remember the “offline/real world/everyday world” … of my immediate family, in-laws, neighbours, relatives, friends, acquaintances, associates, authorities, `the common people’ … and to do something about it. *THIS* IS THE MORE IMPORTANT WORLD.

Managing Anger – A top priority

ANGER … Easy to get angry … Saying and doing things when angry … Regretting these responses … But repeating them again and again…

Yes, this is one of my major flaws – something that I’ll have to give priority to, and something that I’ll have to keep improving myself on until the day I die. Whenever I remember those moments when I allowed anger to consume me, I’m filled with shame and regret.

I’ve found a very useful post here. This doctor, apparently, is also from Malaysia. I had initially known about it from Rocky’s Bru – a top socio-political blog by a former editor of Malaysia’s Malay Mail.

Follow the links that the good doctor had included in that post, and you will find more articles that are of tremendous help.

Just remember (and I’m reminding myself here more than anyone else) that reading is one thing, and doing is another. But when we take the time to read about it, at least it might lead to something.

It’s hard to admit our own weaknesses – finding them in others is the opposite, of course. But until we are honest and open minded about it, we won’t get anywhere … always stuck in the same rut. And when we also have  the willingness to do what is right (in this case, managing our anger), a lot of good things will follow, Insyaallah.

Excellent drug recovery site

It’s been 24 hours since I started this blog, and I’ve learnt a lot today.

I’ve come to know about things that I didn’t know had existed before. Plus on how to do things better. And a lot of these came about from my involvement with this blog. This certainly verifies the saying that “You learn by doing”.

One of the most important thing today is in coming across the blog of My Journey to Recovery by ArahMan7. I had gone to and had seen his link there. Like me, he is also from Malaysia – Kuala Kangsar, Perak, to be specific. He is also a recovering addict.

He has been at it for more than a year, judging from the date of the earlier posts. And there is a lot of useful content and links there. One thing is for sure – I’ll be visiting that blog frequently from now on. My only complaint is that the site is a bit graphics-heavy, which makes downloading a drag.

* [Updated 27 Aug]: I have to mention here that I’m using Celcom Broadband for Internet access. Well, `broadband’ in the sense that it’s supposed to be 384Kbps. However, I’m only able to get GPRS, not 3G, in my area right now, with a speed of 53Kbps. I hope Celcom will get the 3G station functioning soon. […]

Right now, I’ve subscribed his RSS feeds. I’ve downloaded his previous posts and the comments with Opera – For “heavy-duty” RSS feeds (items that come in every 60 minutes), I use FeedDemon, and also through Mozilla Thunderbird.

Anyway; it’s obvious that he is a member of the Narcotics Anonymous fellowship; which goes down very well with me. Besides the posts directly related to the NA principles, ArahMan7 has also posted a few accounts of his life, especially of what he hopes for and the obstacles that he face.

Yes, I can verify here that these are what recovering addicts face, regardless of where you live, your race and your religion.

Well, I’ve gotten a lot of ideas and information from his blog. I’ll certainly try to contact him, for he and I share many similarities (even his face looks like mine; albeit his is of the younger version). The most important thing is that … He is my fellow traveller on this journey of recovery.