A LOT of things have happened to me over the past five years – a combination of things and events that most people would never encounter even if they lived to be 100.
(1) In August 2005, my eldest son Matyin, then 20, left home without telling anyone. Over the past decade, it had turned into a place of confusion, sorrow and hardship — a condition brought about by my having done something that was the epitome of irresponsible behaviour and sheer stupidity.
(2) But a lot worse was the moral cowardice as shown by my failure to check the downward spiral by taking the necessary remedial actions to rectify the situation. They required courage and resilience to undertake and sustain…qualities I lacked. The knowledge that the innocents had suffered, and that I was responsible: this was the worst torment by far. The feeling of guilt and shame ate into me; with ever increasing hatred of my own self.
(3) A week later, another tragic event struck: I was detained by the police and was incarcerated in remand at a dreadfully abusive and violent prison. I was alone; essentially without family, relatives or friends – abandoned by everyone…
(4) This was followed by another 13½ months of separation from my family and children; coming about from a court order to undergo treatment and rehabilitation at a pusat serenti (one-stop rehabilitation centre). I remained there right until the end of 2006.
(5) Upon returning to Pasir Mas, Kelantan, there was the hassle of reporting to the police-station and the AADK (National Anti-Drugs Agency) once a month – plus attend activities organised by the latter, ending only at the end of 2008.
(6) After the December 2006 discharge and until March 2008, I was essentially idle for 15 months; with no work, no money, no opportunities, and without the most basic means to communicate with the world. I had nothing, and to many people, was nothing.
(7) If the above aren’t enough, in June 2008, my wife filed for a divorce. Despite the best of intentions and effort, including my attempts to make amends for all the wrongs that I had done in the pre-Gambang years, I was willing to sacrifice, to make painful changes – all that I asked was the opportunity to do so. But as the respondent, I failed to prevent the breaking up of the 24-year marriage.
(8) The frustration and dismay that followed was secondary as compared to the feeling of outrage after discovering the deceitful, and at times cowardly manner, in which a few third parties had undertaken to undermine my case.
“Witness”, “Arbitrator”, “Adjudicator” are among their official descriptions – they were involved not only a legal case where the universal concept of “truth and justice” are paramount. More importantly, it was a Syariah court, and therefore the religion of Islam was at the very forefront.
That being the situation, one would certainly expect everyone1 connected to be aware of and strictly adhere to basic Islamic principles which even kindergarten kids are able to understand and accept… the truth and justice above. And that lying, manipulating, covering facts or selective presentation that would distort, obscure or overly magnifying something is the way of syaitan and the munafik.
But that was what had happened.
CAPTION: “Lebai-X Photo” WHO is Lebai-X?? Clue: Find him at the Mahkamah Syariah Pasir Mas.
And how ironic – the “pious, Islamic-image, salt of the kampung earth and pillars of the society” menganiaya and menzalimi a “bad, jahat, jahil bottom-rung ex-prison and pusat social outcast”!
1(Islam 101: “Wearing a kupiah, jubah and having a goatee does not exempt one from adhering to the above. Nor serve as `a shield’ from shouldering the dosa.)
Yes, I know that those who are close to and concerned about me might ask: “Why bring up this again, and now? Just leave it to Allah – HE Knows what to do with them and when if they had maliciously wronged you.”
Yes, I know; and I am leaving it to Allah. The reason why I’m mentioning is because it was one of the major things that had happened to me during the five-year period. And the other reason is this: I want to THANK them. Really. Sort of…
As it turned out, the divorce had then created and opened up “situations and circumstances that are definitely to my benefit albeit unplanned!” These `lebai kampung’, `oghe sohor’ (kampung, bandar, internet, blog – semua tempat oghe kenal and ikut… influential kelas giler, `Mark Zuckerberg Pasir Mas’ HAHA!)
So, to this illustrious local alumni – and I KNOW will read or hear this;-) – please receive my thanks: “Tok seko-seko deh… puok demo hakikatnya susoh-susoh (TER)jadi BARUAH FREE ko kawe! HAHA!
(i) By the way, this particular post is written not by “Cendana287” but the incarnation who writes at the Mat Cendana: HACK WRITER blog. “They are in the same physical body, so what’s the difference? …” The former is `the Gambang self’… amicable, obliging, peaceable, tends to turn the other cheek and strives to improve.
Mat Cendana: the hybrid of the above and that of the pre-Gambang self known as `A.S’ who had strived to improve the venom, acidity and laser-sharpness of his self and words. This is said not with egoistic pride, vainness or conceit but with some shame and regret about not being more forgiving. Try asking those from “back then” who knew this A.S (here at WordPress, Blogger or Facebook)… like Mekyam (the best writer without her own blog), Sheri Din, Faten Rafei, Rehman Rashid (YES, the A Malaysian Journey author). Okay, enough name-dropping for this week:-)
(ii) I’m very well aware of the lurkers at the Recovery blog – `locals’ as in `people who live where I had or not far away, OR/AND people who had known me.’ And they have their own reasons to WANT TO KNOW about me! That’s flattering:-)
[Yes, I know some/many people are probably puzzled by this “odd/bizarre/`macam mental sikit’” post. Don’t worry – a few parts are “for a specific audience” .
By the way, about my eldest son, Matyin above: I’m pleased to tell all of you that he is… HERE! Yes, with me at this very moment at Dr Aniza’s treatment centre at Desa Jaya Commercial Centre, Kepong, 52100 Kuala Lumpur.]
NEXT POST: My Best Friend’s Wedding (A continuation of this post – AND MORE)
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During the process of this matter especially, I was dismayed and incensed by the words and actions of some people; especially since they were also Malaysian, Malay by race and, I presumed, followed the religion of Islam. I had also presumed and through the malicious and deceitful words and actions of some people, I was exposed to these facts: i) fore
It’s four years since I was discharged on Decor two years 18, 2006.
God has brought some very important people into my life. Indebted to them. I want to repay…
Recovery from Drug Addiction 
walaupun saya tak paham part ‘slang kelate’ tu.. i still enjoy reading the rest of the post.
may you have excellent 2011 sir, and to kak aniza as well.
Nadya – As I had replied at Facebook, this “isn’t really a post.” So what is it? I don’t really know:-) It’s just that I have A LOT to say, and I don’t know how to go about it. I remember a description of Bob Dylan: “He has a lot to say and wants to say them all at once.”
Anyway, just ignore the parts that you don’t understand – they aren’t important. BUT I have to say them anyway, else they’ll be inside me.
Since you had left a comment, I’ll give you a sneak preview of what I intend to write about. I hope it’ll be `soon’. Actually I was going to mention YOU in that post of “My Best Friend’s Wedding”. There was something that you had said at Facebook that is encouraging me to write it.
They said, things don’t happen for no reason, they happen to teach you something. If I could relive my life, I wouldn’t. Cause everything I’ve done, I’ve never once regretted doing them. And everything I am is everything I was meant to be.
Many many moons ago I never learned anything from all my mistakes coz I was too busy denying them! Then the wise old man of Longgeng came to me and said, “Take chances… alot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up- and with who, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are… you learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. say how you feel- always . Be you, and be okay with it. It doesn’t matter what any other person thinks.”
My prayers is always for you my friend. Shake off the “why’s” and the “what if’s” and rid yourself of confusion. Whatever was – is in the past. Whatever is? That’s what’s important. The past is a brief reflection, and the future is yet to be realized.
Sorry for not replying immediately, bro. I had read this when it came through the email service and I’ve given it a lot of thought. Incidentally, what you say here are practically similar to the opinions and advice of a few others who had sent them privately by email. And they, like you also, are among the people whose opinions I read carefully and listen to (I may or may not do or follow, but I definitely listen and not dismiss).
Anyway, although I’d often refrain and just keep silent, there are times when I simply must unleash and let loose what’s inside, else something might explode. And despite the occasional sharpness, would you believe that I’ve actually held back from real nastiness?
It’s unfortunate that with some people, our “being silent” on some matters is often seen as “timidity”, which might lead to “pijak kepala”. In my view, there’s the need for deterrence, which is “active self-defence”. When the twerp pijak kepala or tries to, and we just keep quiet to protect the peace, he becomes bold – there will be a second, third, tenth time of pijak kepala or similar. It had happened to me when I previously chose to be “cool, calm, sabar…” As in Walking Tall. at times we have to “Walk softly, and carry a big stick”:-)
Again, THANKS for your opinion. Don’t worry – I won’t do things that would hurt me…