Rebuilding a self & a life destroyed … One day at a time

“God, grant me Serenity to accept things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things that I can change,

and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

(“Serenity’s Prayer” , as used in the Narcotics Anonymous fellowship)

This is a personal blog that I had started on Wed 13 August 2008. By sheer coincidence, it was also the third anniversary of my detention and arrest at around 9.20 AM on Thurs 13 August 2005. It was to be the start of monumental changes in my life.

(You can read about the inital horrifying incarceration here in “Jailhouse blues“. The Star, which is the premier English language newspaper in Malaysia, was kind enough to publish it on 24 July 2008. The following day, it published the second part  titled “Forces at work” – … `incarceration’, still; but was also the setting of what was unexpectedly to become the most productive and most meaningful period of my life! On Thursday, 26 July 2008, the final part of “Dignity of rehab” completed the newspaper trilogy )

Pusat Serenti trainees - The Star

This blog will be about what I had gone through in life so far … including and especially a lot of what you’d call “Negative events, situations and actions”.

But it will deal with the “Positive” too –  and especially of HOPE – for events in life are never totally or exclusively outflows of only one aspect or characteristic of life.

In retrospect, it is interesting to eventually note that things which we normally would regard as being “negative” or a “something bad is happening” situation, might actually turn out to be the other. Similarly, events and incidents that we unthinkingly accept as “a great thing” – like winning a major lottery prize, for example – might be the precursor of lamentable episodes to come. From my experiences and observations, I can honestly verify the following as a fact:

It’s how we react to things that are more important than what it was that happened to us in the first place.

With me, I’ve had a problem with drugs since I was a teenager. And alcohol too, later. I have this attraction towards them – especially for heroin, morphine and methamphetamine (pill kuda/ecstasy) … despite the problems they have brought onto me and my family for all those years that I was physically and mentally addicted. And this attraction and desire of “just this once” is something that will remain with me until I die.

The only thing that I can do, now that I’m no longer physically dependant, is not to take that first dose that will inevitably lead to yet another cycle of physically addiction – with far more intense mental addiction, which right now is rather dormant.

During the start of my adult life, through the Grace of God I had managed to stay clean for 12 long years. I had a rather good job, got married and had four children. Things weren’t exciting, but they sure were stable.

But then in my mid-30’s, when I had seemed `safe’, I had relapsed. It was to be a downward spiral that was worse than the first time.

Like many others with a similar predicament, I have  been to prisons, police lock-ups and drug rehabilitation centres as a result of this addiction. Over the ensuing years, I had lost almost everything. secure jobs, money and other possessions, my family, and worse of all … respect for my own self.

But God has seen it fit to give me a chance again!

In August 2005, He had started the process; although I certainly did not know it then – I was arrested, spent three months in remand at a dreadful prison, and 13 months at a government rehabilitation centre.

These were actually “Gifts from God” , for they had provided me with the opportunity to do something about myself and had laid a more solid foundation to improve my life. I’m not claiming that “I’ve now become a great person … always so full of humility,  so “insaf”, so PERFECT a human from these events…”

No, I still have my flaws and weaknesses – a lot of them. However, I can honestly and sincerely say that these experiences have given me something … The knowledge that it is possible to change ourselves and our lives for the better – if and when we work  for it.

And these are what I intend for this blog/journal/website – I want to share my experiences, to learn from them, to learn from yours, to improve myself, to teach, to counsel, to help…

I WANT TO REBUILD – I have to rebuild … To create anew that which were destroyed

To make amends for all the wrongs that I had done … To heal the hurts that I had caused … To put back in place all that I had scattered … To return all that I had taken. They are done without conditions being attached by me. I will not insist that others rectify their previous wrongs committed against me.

I will unload all the feelings of guilt, self-hatred, resentment and despair collected and shouldered during my spiral down the addiction abyss.  I will strive to make myself better … to make life better for myself and those around me.

I may not be able to see God, but I know He exists from the situations I had undergone and the signs that I had witnessed. And I know that with His help, ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT I WISH FOR ARE POSSIBLE AND THEREFORE ARE WORTH WORKING FOR.

I’m Ahmad Anon(ymous), 48, from Kelantan in Malaysia. You can call me “Ahmad” or “Mat” or “Mart”. And there’s nothing to stop you from calling me nasty names either; although I hope that you won’t. Or to mock, scorn or condemn what I had written above and elsewhere, should you be harbouring bitter experiences from your unfortunate relationship or contact with someone else who was a drug abuser. Your comments won’t be deleted just because you were nasty towards me.

I have set this journal/blog/website to accept all comments from anyone and everyone. There is no moderating, and all posts will be published immediately. However, I reserve the right to delete comments that are spam-related; or comments that I feel could bring harm to others in whatever forms.

Should anyone wish to contact me privately, my e-mail address is at cendana287ATgmailDOTcom