Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati

This is supposed to be the fourth and last part of the “KL Rocks!” series after the last interlude. However, I’m going to post this totally unrelated piece which many will be puzzled with. Please forgive me for this indulgence, but it’s something that’s heavily on my mind right now.

And since this is a “personal” blog, and I don’t have to answer to any editor or newspaper for writing whatever that comes out here… :-)

It’s something that I had finally realised last night – of something missing in my life … MUSIC.

Yes, I’ve essentially been without that for almost two years. Ever since I was discharged on 18 December 2006, I have been living without music. And one of the reasons for that is because I don’t have the equipment. Yes, I do have a hand-me-down cheapo Pensonic – the one-tinny-speaker kind that I rarely switch on due to the atrocious sound. I’ve been using it to hear the news on occasions; or for “some sound” when it gets unbearably “kesit” (silent and lonely) here.

A series of events the past 24 hours has combined to lead me to this realisation – I need to have the music in my life again.

It had started with Kak Teh’s post Yesterday Once More. Then there were those chats on Yahoo Messenger with a very good friend in Setiawangsa, and with Nazmi and Sherry Nor-Jane in Kuantan (it was Sherry doing the typing, but with everything else too, the other half who is usually more reserved is also involved).

As I was about to shutdown (it was 2 am), I turned on the tinny radio and tuned in to Sinar FM. Usually, I’d listen to Suria FM – had become a fan since its COO Engku Emran (Erra Fazira’s husband) had started a blog. However, I couldn’t find it; so it was to my second favourite station. And it was here that I heard this haunting song again, with these stirring lines:

Harusnya takkan ku biarkan engkau pergi,
Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati,
Derita yang mendera kapan akan berakhir,
Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku

inginMati_wahaza50

I had known only a few lines – those four. A search quickly turned up a few interesting results; including the full lyrics AND a YouTube video of the song at a blog named Wahaza Extra. Usually I wouldn’t even attempt to download something like this – not with my puny 53Kbps GPRS connection. However, I just have to listen to it again! And guess what – I managed to get EDGE at 128Kbps; so the download took a reasonable 13 minutes. If I can get this speed regularly, I won’t have to think about Streamyx anymore:-)

Well, I have been listening to this song over and over; paying special attention to those four lines above. The full lyrics are as follows:

cat_laptop240

HANYA KAU YANG MAMPU (Aizat)

Ku cuba redakan relung hati,
Bayangmu yang berlalu pergi,
Terlukis di dalam kenangan,
Bebas bermain di hatiku..

Cerita tentang masa lalu,
Cerita tentang kau dan aku,
Kini tinggal hanya kenangan,
Kau abadi di dalam hatiku..

Harusnya takkan ku biarkan engkau pergi,
Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati,
Derita yang mendera kapan akan berakhir,
Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku

Cerita tentang masa lalu,
Cerita tentang kau dan aku,
Kini tinggal hanya kenangan,
Kau abadi di dalam hatiku..

Harusnya takkan ku biarkan engkau pergi,
Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati,
Derita yang mendera kapan akan berakhir,
Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku

Aku cinta ooohhh..
Aku cinta ooohhhh

Well, Thanks for reading this post. The next one will definitely be the last part about the KL trip. Unless if “something more important” comes up:-)

19 thoughts on “Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati

  1. Di hening pagi
    Ku sendiri
    Teringat cinta hati
    yang sudah pergi tak mungkin kembali

    Kenangan abadi ini
    Bukan sekadar ilusi
    Tetap datang menyinggahi
    Merobek-robek hati
    Menusuk sanubari
    Menikam harga diri
    Sepi..

    Weh Bro Mart..pagi-pagi ni ter jiwanglah pulak…Better i stop dari mengarut further..

    ..PEACE.

  2. Entah lah; teringat benda-benda lama…
    That’s the power of music – I think I must have repeated that song for at least 30 times despite the poor sound from the laptop speakers. It had taken me so long to finally acknowledge this very important element in my life that was missing.

    BTW bukan nak bodek, but I have to say this in public – you are the type who is sensitive enough to write “sajak”. Only a certain kind can do it, and you are one. Well, others like me can try – I’m sure you will say it’s “Okay”; but it your heart you’ll definitely think “It’s crap”:-) So, rather than have you “berdosa” for lying, I’ll just refrain from writing any.

  3. @GUiKP
    Thanks for visiting and leaving a message here. That reminds me too – had intended to RSS your blog in my FeedDemon (easier to follow and faster to read this way) for so long but never quite did. Will do so “after this” (hope I won’t forget AGAIN).

    As for Aizat, I don’t know about his other songs. And I didn’t know he is a Malaysian (the lyrics sound Indonesian), AF5 and all. I don’t follow it, Malaysian Idol etc for one good reason – I don’t have a TV set:-)

    But this song is something, definitely. BTW nowadays I much prefer to listen to Malay pop songs than Western… can only tolerate the retro English songs on Lite FM.

  4. @Mekyam
    All the way from New York too – THANKS for the greetings, my dear sister.

    Yes, I don’t consider you as “a good friend” anymore, Mekyam – it’s more rightly a sister. I keep remembering something that Datin Mamasita had written at her blog a month or so ago; of wondering whether we were actually brother and sister: [Quoted]

    “Baru baca mekyam punya comment and email!So very happy she’s back.Is she your sister or sedara?I somehow sense you both ada blood connection lah!”

    BTW to the readers here, Mekyam is someone whom “I’ve known” since more than seven years ago through the Internet. I haven’t met her yet – the fact that Pasir Mas is quite some distance from New York could be a factor. But she is the same as with Sherry Nor Jannah and Nazmi – they are also people whom I’ve yet to meet, but with whom I am somehow extremely close to.

    I think I should write something about this in the near future.

  5. I have heard this song before, and even sang it dengan penuh sumbang sih, and like you never thought it is created by one of the alumni of the Akademi Fantasia. We missed AF5 too as we were in Riyadh then, and he didn’t make it to the final of AF, which is a sad refelction of the voting quality of the viewers. But he has another chance in TV3’s Juara Lagu, although I will root for Ayu aka One in a Million. Kapan mau balik Kubang Pasu?

  6. “Kubang Pasu” – Mukim Binjai, particularly: I sometimes think about it. And definitely right now, after you had posed that question…

    The short answer is: It will be very difficult, especially with my record – of having two sisters who are very successful while I had squandered my chances. I have to “create something” to be proud of first – only then will I be able to face people in the eyes; not with them looking down.

    As with right now, all things being equal, should I leave Pasir Mas, it would probably be to another district, but still KELANTAN. I had stayed here for so long (minus 13 months in Gambang/Kuantan; and six months in JB) and adapted to “all things Kelantan” that I consider and feel myself “an outsider” when I `go back’ to Kedah (it’s more of “go to Kedah”) … and ALWAYS feeling that sense of relief and gladness whenever I cross the border TO Kelantan – at Jeli, Gua Musang or Pasir Puteh.

    Should I leave this state, it’ll most likely be to Pahang. Or KL or Perlis. Kedah is fourth in line when it comes to “probability”.

    But I do think about it… those happy moments in Binjai during the school holidays… of my kind aunt (father’s older sister) and uncle, and “country cousins” too.

    That’s where I had learned how to use a fishing rod, fix bait to hook, where in the stream that fish were likely to be, of “tahan taut” and the suspense and thrill of finding a big haruan that night or early the next morning … of learning how to handle a motorycle (my uncle’s Honda 90 with clutch, plate number KB 48), and then my cousin’s Vespa when in Standard 6 (and later bragging about it, of course)… of going along to the rubber plot or dusun with a cousin (five years older) as “driver” of the “gerhek”… playing kites at the newly-harvested padi fields in the late afternoon…

    And the visits to various relatives’ houses where everyone was easy-going, friendly, kind-hearted (Binjai had the highest ratio of “good people” [and mostly Umno too at 15:1 to Pas then] as compared to all the places I’ve been to).

    … and of being highly regarded due to my grandfather being the mukim’s Imam, my father becoming a civil servant, my being in an English-medium town school, doing well and “would probably be a lawyer” (many said)…

    Yes, I remember Kubang Pasu…

  7. What a fascinating childhood you had experienced in Binjai. Have not been there but my interest is piqued. Am reading this in McD KB. White House is still close today, aaarrgh. You will make a great comeback insyaAllah. Hope it is sooner than later.

  8. McD KB? White House? That’s “Kubang Pasu” tu, right?
    I was at that area on Sunday – the first time in… 3½ year! I had intended to go to “the new Bersatu”. But it was no longer in existence! I was shocked by that, and quite saddened too – it looked… abandoned. A victim of KB Mall? Well, that’s business and competition.

    White House… So unassuming, nothing fancy “like the cafes in the cities”… But that’s an iconic restaurant in Kota Bharu we’re talking about. The toasts and “just right” half-boiled eggs, nasi lemak and its coffee. Gosh, when was the last time I was there – mid-1999, Yes – a bit before going to work in JB; a disastrous stint which was also the start of my MAJOR problems with my wife that is unresolved until now – yet.

    And before that visit, it was when I had not relapsed yet, definitely… Was there near midnight in 1992, maybe, with two others – teachers – after fishing for udang galah (king prawns) at the KB-Pasir Pekan bridge; enjoying the evening, good, clean fun. And one year later, I made that horrendous mistake…

  9. Mat,
    Being on the move makes it difficult for me to get internet connection. Maybe I should buy the celcom mobile modem from you after your migration to streamyx (will there be a migration?). The streamyx broadband at Tune Hotel where I am stuck for 3 nites including tonite is haveing problem so I have to go to some of the cafes (like where I am now) to get a connection.
    I thought you bought yourself some speakers for your internet? Those speakers though tiny, is capable to produce good sound especially if you have a good bass unit.

  10. salam there.

    We can always relate our life with music, don’t we? Some lyrics/music/songs can actually have multiple meanings attached to it, and for this song alone, I can relate to so many “Kau”. This song is a great one, indeed.

    Oh, This is the first time me commenting in here, though have been following ur blog for quite some time now. A good inspirational blog, indeed.

    Have a nice day, Cendana.

  11. Saat ini gw lg trPuruk bged…’gw bosen dg cara pcran gw..’gw slLu brbeDa pndapat dg cow gw,cow gw yg tempRamen,egoiz,g pernah sPendapat dg gw..’seDiH rasanya,sakit jk hrus lapang brSbAr mNrima smw cAci maki yg diloNtarin saAt dy emOsi..’mNuruT kalian,gw hrz gmN?gw syg bgt m cow gw,tp gw jg sakit dg hub ini..

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