"God, why hath Thou forsaken me?" (Part 5)

Tempoh selepas Mahkamah Majistret Pasir Mas mengeluarkan perintah supaya aku di hantar ke Pusat Serenti Gambang selama DUA TAHUN, adalah waktu yang paling perit dan menyakitkan dalam hidup ku. Aku telah buat usaha yang terbaik sejak bulan Ramadan bermula, telah tanam niat, rancangan dan keazaman yang aku yakin adalah jujur dan ikhlas.


Sebaliknya, Tuhan telah kurniakan kebebasan ini kepada “mereka-mereka yang secara terang dan jelas telah menyatakan bahawa mereka akan kembali ke jalan yang tidak elok ini, sebaik saja dapat peluang melalui kebebasan ini”. Apakah MAKNA ini semua?!…makna Kehidupan ini sendiri?!

[CATATAN Kepada saudara-saudari yang dari “Kelantan Bloggers”  dan  “Blog Kelate” khususnya, serta yang lain: Walaupun Post ini ( atau post-post lain) banyak menggunakan Bahasa Inggeris, saya rasa ramai yang boleh faham, sebenarnya. Saya ingin nyatakan bahawa saya amat berharap saudara-saudari tidak akan rasa segan, kekok atau malu jika hendak buat Comment dalam Melayu. Untuk pengetahuan semua, KAWAE PUN MAKAE BUDU JUGOK, kawe pahae gapo demo rhoyak, dan kawae serta oghe lain tak pernah/tidak akae plekeh sapa-sapa yae nok Comment kok Melayu, Kelate atau campur-campur dengan oghe putih. Kawe sendiri dok nulis kok oghe putih ni sebab (1) Kalu kawe tak guna, sut-sut akae jadi lupo (2) Ramai hok baca blog ni yae tak brapa rethi bahasa Melayu. Tu saja. SELAMAT DATANG, kalau ni kali pertama – Cendana287] 

“Depths of despair” – I had read this phrase many times in fiction and biographies. Yes, there were moments in my life where the word “despair” was accurate and relevant enough without overly exaggerating the situation encountered. But many had involved things, events and incidents that, in retrospect, were rather petty; “important” they might have seemed then. Events like … the 1979 FA Cup final where (my favourite) Manchester United lost 3-2 to Arsenal after conceding a goal in the last seconds of injury-time; after they had clawed back from 0-2 to level the score at 2-2 in the last minute of normal play. “Petty”, yes; but “despair” was the correct-enough word to describe that feeling.

But it was only when I had relapsed into drug addiction again from 1993 that “despair” occurred with more frequency – at the supposedly “mature and safe” age of 33, having been 100% clean for 12 years, and holding a decent and respectable-enough job plus a family to boot.

[21/9 12:47 AM Bogged in “certain memories”. Need to `re-balance’ spirit and self first. Will continue soonest. Sorry. ***[UPDATE: 1:30 PM – “The power of God”… Briefly (for now), I’m happy to state here that I had been a recipient of “a minor miracle that happened in slow motion” that dissolved the internal turmoil that was hinted of in that midnight update. A couple of seemingly minor and unrelated routine events between then and around 9.30am today somehow helped my self to undergo that hoped-for `re-balancing’. I’ll write a post about it later. The Comments from 2am onwards might be of interest should you have the time, inclination and mental patience to audit and analyse traces of “spiritual stardust”:-)


15 thoughts on “"God, why hath Thou forsaken me?" (Part 5)

  1. Salam Bro Mart Chendana..

    Pertamanya, i have to mention this …rasa macam weird je baca ur mukadimah not in English…as for me,reading and viewing ur blog adalah one of my ways to improve my english..remember my pengakuan bacaria..my english is so bad..so.actually and to be honest,.it’s helping me a lots …instead of that…i’m beginning to know other than my dunia sediaada..barulah lagi bererti hidup ini..

    Keduanya, walaupun i’m very looking forward to know the sambungan of ur PART 5 tapi at the same time i think i can also understand what is inside ur feeling…sama2lah kita berdoa agar Bro dirahmati dan dilindungi allah..semuga allah berikan kekuatan…whatever hidup mesti diteruskan@cerita tu mesti dihabiskan..sooner or later i’ll ask u jugak…heheh…

  2. tenguk tu ..my grammar is very lintang pukang..please betulkan..patutnya..what is inside ur mind/what is ur feeling kan..malu-malu…

  3. Sorry brother…it’s me again…Saya ni INSOMANIA .(ejaan pun tak betul)..tak tau dah nak buat apa..nak pi bowling,,dah tutup….tgk tv takde citer best..BOSANNNNNNNNNNNNN

  4. @sherry
    I feel a bit odd too:-) keras dan kaku jaa…

    Yes, I can write in BM, of course; but I’m more comfortable with the “informal kind” like that “Malaysian ministers make great comedians!” post “over there”.

    But you know the reason for the BM, and in formal, above, right? I’m trying to see whether my speculation is correct, when my latest post comes out at those directories. These Kelantanese, often they’d just neglect blogs written in English; feeling that “it’s not for them”. WHY??

    And some might feel “inferior” for some reason. That’s why I’m making this effort to reach out – they are THE CLOSEST physically.

  5. @sherry
    Tak apa lah, kita guna comment blog sebagai “Chat Box”:-)

    You know, there’s something that I can teach you right now – something that you’ll be able to implement IMMEDIATELY towards making improvement and progress with English.

    Keep reminding yourself about this one so that it’ll be a habit. It’s simple (many, if not `most’ things that are effective, are also simple … not necessarily those that are complex, complicated, sophisticated). But you’ll have to make a sustained effort… jangan berhenti sekerat jalan.

    But I’ll have to CHARGE YOU this; as “Improving one’s written and oral English consultation fees”:-)

  6. You know what they are… I think.
    I’ve just remembered this: In certain things, “the women know”. You know why it’s difficult for me to continue, right? I had felt that something like this would happen (that’s why I had delayed Part 5). But I didn’t expect “the engine to get seized up” so fast…

    Actually, I’ve not gone anywhere since I was halted at that point. I’ve been looking at the screen and thinking, looking and thinking … but despite SO MANY THINGS in my head to write about, I couldn’t write. Already three hours now. I think you may have an inkling of what “I may be thinking of and feeling” – definitely more than a whiff of things – when I halted at that point.

    I had wanted to just delete the last two paragraphs. But I felt that I’ll “be cheating everyone; plus myself especially” … of “censoring to try make myself look good” or “hiding something”. None of you will know about it. But I do. And I’ll feel like a fake…

    This is another thing that I’m being bogged with right now: Write, and there will be “an effect and consequences”; NOT write, and there will be an effect and consequences…

    You see, there was that sub-title of this blog and a slogan, that seem to have disappeared when I changed the theme in WordPress to this one. Part of them were inspired by things I had learned from Narcotics Anonymous especially.

    But I “had invoked things” into these sentences myself; or something like “I had brought them out from inside myself”. They are not “lifeless words and slogans” (like those Hari Kemerdekaan slogans, Sambutan Maal Hijrah etc etc; no matter how fancy or `poetic’ they might be).

    I hope I’m making some sense here; although I having this nagging worry that you (or others) might be thinking, “This guy is writing nonsense, like someone with a mental problem”:-)

    The thing is – these sentences AREN’T slogans or words “just to decorate” this site (yes, “site”, not “blog”:-) ) THEY ARE WHAT “MY SELF” (not “myself”) WANTS:

    Rebuilding a self and a life destroyed … One day at a time
    A lifetime’s journey to be Honest, Open-Minded & Willing

    *Update 7:52 AM – I’ve only become aware of this `trivial’ coincidence – the sentences are of the same length on the screen. “So what?” I don’t know “so what” but…

    The second one – Narcotics Anonymous’ H-O-W to start living life again … the building blocks. Only when these three are around will the other positive traits, attitudes and attributes naturally follow…

    So why am I mentioning this? The HOW is what that has prevented me from deleting those two paragraphs; and re-plotting and re-aligning the account “with something else”. You wouldn’t know, of course (and I have more than enough things to easily write a LONG post again even without them).

    But I wouldn’t be HONEST then – with you or/and with myself. And “my self” would see this move of skirting around or away from something that it wants me to handle NOW, as deviating from the charter and the plan that WE know is The Way.

    *(The above two paragraphs are updated 21 Sept 8:36 AM: rephrased and rearranged after “a few things are now clearer” than it was when first written earlier)

    This “my self” and “we” mentioned above: my “roh” (soul); the one that is also the conscience – the `inner heart’; the compass, the alarm-bell – “The good side of me”; “the nobleness well-spring” that I can and need to dip into and bring out, to make ME as worthy a person as I choose and work towards.

    This ME is this physical body, with this known name and identity (as in IC, nickname) that OTHERS interpret (rightly or wrongly). But the fact is that, this ME (my person and self) is NOT dependent on others’ interpretation of what ME is, in that it (ME) does not change an iota from what WE had made it to be, good or bad.

    It’s 21 Sept 9:21 AM now – Two paragraphs from the 45 minutes of thoughts concerning the spiritual side in attempting to move forward with the post. The sentence below, which was written earlier according to the date and timestamp of the comment IS VALID. As with the next one. Happily, I believe my state is now centred again after the turmoil near midnight:-)

    I HAVE TO WRITE the things that I KNOW I should follow.

    No, I certainly won’t mention in detail things that will “mendatangkan aib kepada sesiapa, termasuk diri sendiri” – religion and Narcotics Anonymous principles are against that. But there are “other things” that I must…

    I’ll continue when I come “to a centred state again”.
    [This reply might be as long as what I had written in the post(?) ]

  7. …tak terkata…tak terjawap…jauh disudut hati ku mohon kepada yang Maha Esa…kami semua insan yang lemah..perkuatkanlah azam kami..perteguhkan iman kami..perkasakan ketakwaan kami…

  8. @sherry
    The wonderful thing is; your doa there appears to have worked with me. See my previous comment, which I had edited and added to according to how things had transpired.

    I think this is my first ever experience of “spiritual self-discourse that was recorded”.

    But then the last one was “doa”. With this one, it’s totally unexpected … you definitely will never guess this, or even dream that it would ever be possible: Your post at 3:39 am about insomnia and “BOSANNNNNNNNNNNNN” had helped too!

    HOW?? Well, things sort of “fell into place” in helping me get back my bearings and poise; your lament of feeling bored too, yes. In fact, it directly connected to where I had jumped off (the Post) I’m saying “Thanks”, but you surely will wonder with a “What for?” :-)

    BTW some of you folks might be confused with this comment or/and that long one (which was just edited) stamped 4:44 am Hmm, even the numbers seem to be in harmony:-)

    I’ll continue with the post and write what must/need to be written. THANKS, sherry; you have been of unexpected help. I’ll continue LATER – too tired right now after a sleepless night tormented by that impasse.

  9. Salam,,,so glad to learn that u r back to normal..syukur kepada Allah patut mendahului segalanya.

    p/s,,my abg janggut(nazmi) send/sending/sent {i’m not sure..pls advice} his best salam to u..


    “Nazmi sends his best salam…”

    Why “sends”?
    Sebab, (1) the sentence is in the Present Tense
    (2) The “Subject” (Nazmi) is “Singular” (one).

    Kalau subject tadi “Plural” (lebih dari satu); maka Verb “send” dalam ejaan yang asal. Like this:

    “Nazmi and his younger brother Nazman, whose six-inches beard rivals that of ZZ Top, send their best Salam to you.”

    Saya sengaja panjangkan ayat tu supaya akan ada lebih banyak “element” (akan lebih mengelirukan). TAPI prinsip dia sama saja – ayat tu masih dalam Present Tense, jadi verb dia not affected.

    But note that the “Subject” has changed … sekarang dah jadi “Nazmi + brother” (plural). So, “he” yang kat ayat asal tadi turut kena tukar untuk ajus kepada subject yang ditukarkan awal-awal tu.

    That’s the thing when it comes to Grammar in English – “Masa” … kena sentiasa sedar dan ambik kira dia punya “tense” (past, present atau future), DAN “subject” (tajuk perbualan). Baru kita TENTU akan gunakan yang betul.

    Actually, itu aje yang PALING ASAS English ni! Kalau from Day One bila belajar, paragraph yang atas tu kita ingat, hafal dan amalkan, lama-lama jadi automatic – we simply know which words to use.

    BTW, did you receive the two e-mails? Tolong beritahu tentang soalan surat ke-2 hal Paypal tu, ya?

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