“God, grant me Serenity to accept things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things that I can change,

and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

(“Serenity’s Prayer” , as used in the Narcotics Anonymous fellowship)

This is a personal blog that I had started on Wed 13 August 2008. By sheer coincidence, it was also the third anniversary of my detention and arrest at around 9.20 AM on Thurs 13 August 2005. It was to be the start of monumental changes in my life.

(You can read about the inital horrifying incarceration here in “Jailhouse blues. The Star, which is the premier English language newspaper in Malaysia, was kind enough to publish it on 24 July 2008. The following day, it published the second part  titled Forces at work” – … `incarceration’, still; but was also the setting of what was unexpectedly to become the most productive and most meaningful period of my life! On Thursday, 26 July 2008, the final part of “Dignity of rehab” completed the newspaper trilogy )

Pusat Serenti trainees - The Star

Pusat Serenti trainees - The Star

This blog will be about what I had gone through in life so far … including and especially a lot of what you’d call “Negative events, situations and actions”.

But it will deal with the “Positive” too –  and especially of HOPE – for events in life are never totally or exclusively outflows of only one aspect or characteristic of life.

In retrospect, it is interesting to eventually note that things which we normally would regard as being “negative” or a “something bad is happening” situation, might actually turn out to be the other. Similarly, events and incidents that we unthinkingly accept as “a great thing” – like winning a major lottery prize, for example – might be the precursor of lamentable episodes to come. From my experiences and observations, I can honestly verify the following as a fact:

It’s how we react to things that are more important than what it was that happened to us in the first place.

With me, I’ve had a problem with drugs since I was a teenager. And alcohol too, later. I have this attraction towards them – especially for heroin, morphine and methamphetamine (pill kuda/ecstasy) … despite the problems they have brought onto me and my family for all those years that I was physically and mentally addicted. And this attraction and desire of “just this once” is something that will remain with me until I die.

The only thing that I can do, now that I’m no longer physically dependant, is not to take that first dose that will inevitably lead to yet another cycle of physically addiction – with far more intense mental addiction, which right now is rather dormant.

During the start of my adult life, through the Grace of God I had managed to stay clean for 12 long years. I had a rather good job, got married and had four children. Things weren’t exciting, but they sure were stable.

But then in my mid-30’s, when I had seemed `safe’, I had relapsed. It was to be a downward spiral that was worse than the first time.

Like many others with a similar predicament, I have  been to prisons, police lock-ups and drug rehabilitation centres as a result of this addiction. Over the ensuing years, I had lost almost everything. secure jobs, money and other possessions, my family, and worse of all … respect for my own self.

But God has seen it fit to give me a chance again!

In August 2005, He had started the process; although I certainly did not know it then – I was arrested, spent three months in remand at a dreadful prison, and 13 months at a government rehabilitation centre.

These were actually “Gifts from God” , for they had provided me with the opportunity to do something about myself and had laid a more solid foundation to improve my life. I’m not claiming that “I’ve now become a great person … always so full of humility,  so “insaf”, so PERFECT a human from these events…”

No, I still have my flaws and weaknesses – a lot of them. However, I can honestly and sincerely say that these experiences have given me somethingThe knowledge that it is possible to change ourselves and our lives for the better – if and when we work  for it.

And these are what I intend for this blog/journal/website – I want to share my experiences, to learn from them, to learn from yours, to improve myself, to teach, to counsel, to help…

I WANT TO REBUILD – I have to rebuild … To create anew that which were destroyed

To make amends for all the wrongs that I had done … To heal the hurts that I had caused … To put back in place all that I had scattered … To return all that I had taken. They are done without conditions being attached by me. I will not insist that others rectify their previous wrongs committed against me.

I will unload all the feelings of guilt, self-hatred, resentment and despair collected and shouldered during my spiral down the addiction abyss.  I will strive to make myself better … to make life better for myself and those around me.

I may not be able to see God, but I know He exists from the situations I had undergone and the signs that I had witnessed. And I know that with His help, ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT I WISH FOR ARE POSSIBLE AND THEREFORE ARE WORTH WORKING FOR.

I’m Ahmad Anon(ymous), 48, from Kelantan in Malaysia. You can call me “Ahmad” or “Mat” or “Mart”. And there’s nothing to stop you from calling me nasty names either; although I hope that you won’t. Or to mock, scorn or condemn what I had written above and elsewhere, should you be harbouring bitter experiences from your unfortunate relationship or contact with someone else who was a drug abuser. Your comments won’t be deleted just because you were nasty towards me.

I have set this journal/blog/website to accept all comments from anyone and everyone. There is no moderating, and all posts will be published immediately. However, I reserve the right to delete comments that are spam-related; or comments that I feel could bring harm to others in whatever forms.

Should anyone wish to contact me privately, my e-mail address is at cendana287ATgmailDOTcom

81 Responses to “Rebuilding a self & a life destroyed … One day at a time”

  1. mekyam Says:

    Salam Mat!

    Read your ketinggalan keretapi comment at Rocky’s Bru. :D

    Now I understand why. It’s great that you have got your life back.

    Thank you for your 3-part article in The Star. It is very eye-opening.

    Let me be the first to congratulate you on your blog and wish you all the best.

    Take care!

  2. cendana287 Says:

    @mekyam
    Thanks for your comment here. Incidentally, you are THE FIRST to comment at my blog here, and it’s a thrill to receive it.

    I’ve prepared myself to receive nasty comments. These are bound to come … especially from people who have been hurt by those who had abused/are abusing drugs – spouses, boy/girl-friends, siblings, relatives, friends, crime victims etc.

    So, one way `to get back’ is to lash and slash at each and every person who uses/had used drugs. It doesn’t matter if they don’t even know me. In fact, it’ll be very easy to slash me here – the comments are not moderated.

    I don’t know how I’ll respond. But what I do know is that, I’ll have to face them *and try* to respond “in the right way”. God please give me the wisdom and strength to do this…

    [Note: I had sent a private message to you]

  3. thegossiplounge Says:

    Yay! I’ve found ur blog from EE’s blog.
    Well written i must say.
    Keep it coming (“,)

  4. AlexM Says:

    Your blog is interesting!

    Keep up the good work!

  5. thegossiplounge Says:

    ur blog will be a hit anytime soon. what u’ve experienced, i am experiencing it now… and by the time u and me know it, we would be spreading these word of wisdoms to our young generation pulak kan? hehe
    being 26 is ridiculous as things i’ve dealt with ought to make me 36… haishhh!! hahaha
    and its nice to have some adult talk with a person likes u, a kind of person i rarely met these days. with all the politics in my office, it is impossible to have this kind of decent conversation even when u think its the most appropriate time to do as such.. tiba2 masuk bab mengumpat, lari topik pulak!hmmm
    oh well.. I look at my life, and there are sooo many things that i could complain about, but it just isn’t worth it. sure, some things haven’t exactly gone my way, and times have been sort of tough lately.
    but if I look at the big picture… there’s no place that i would rather be.

    p/s – sedak kecek nga abe! bereh boh! (“,)

    cendana287: *NOTE – I had started a new post titled “Conversations with Ted of The Gossip Lounge” on 24 Aug 2008. All the comments (his and mine) previously from here were moved to that post.

  6. areps Says:

    got ur comment and email. TQ

    btw. as i read through ur blog and all. i think u hv gone such a lot of things in life and that made u wiser. i don’t wanna judge u or something. cuma what i can say is.

    u r damn tough.

  7. cendana287 Says:

    @thegossiplounge
    @areps

    You guys are just too kind. I’ll write another reply to Ted later, and send it to his blog too, for it involves quite a number of matters that I feel should be elaborated on.

    With folks like you two, mekyam, it has been rather therapeutic for me to start this blog. And this is a great way to utilise technology and the facilities that we have – to do things that help ourselves and others.

    There are *a lot* of things that I need to get out into the open, and to serve as a written record. That includes for the time when I die – at least my words will live on till who knows when. I just hope they will be of use to others.

    If that is so, then “my sufferings” at least had served to help someone else in whatever way … that I was/am “God’s instrument who served to fulfill purposes decided by Him”.

    This is one small explanation for the post’s title of “Making sense of drug addiction…” There are REASONS why God has decreed these to happen to me – and NOT “secara kebetulan” (by chance). There is A GRAND DESIGN by God on each one of us … We’ll have to discover what He has set us out to do.

    To areps: Your sentence says it. I don’t claim to be “wise”, for this is arrogance. Anyone who says he is so (wise), ISN’T. Simple as that. Well, most people wouldn’t “say” it, but they “think” it … of thinking that they `are wise’. You can SEE this happening inside some people, in the way the talk to others, their response etc. IMHO this claim of “wise” is for OTHERS to see, judge and say.

    I understand what you’re saing here, and I agree and accept with humility. The fact is that I’m not wise, BUT *became wiser as compared to peviously* due to these sufferings. It’s not a comparison with others but with self.

    Yes, the experiences helped to create different perspectives. I hope I’ll benefit from them now and in the future. One way to ensure that I get the benefits if by SHARING EXPERIENCES and the LESSONS LEARNED with others.

    Areps, *I* am “damn tough”?? Erm, you must be referring to someone else:-)
    No, honestly and sincerely, I don’t think so. In fact, I’m of the class regarded as “weak”; even now. But like that “wiser” thing; Yes, I’m probably tougher than I was before this.

    Thanks again for your kind words, Areps and Ted.

  8. areps Says:

    cendana287 – never tot that u will “layan” us and giv such deep explanation. thanks sir.

    ted – i can post new entry with your comment. more than 9 lines. kudos

    xoxo

  9. cendana287 Says:

    To Ted: I apologise for still not being able to go to your blog yet to write a reply that is worthy of the one you wrote here. However, I’m caught up with a few things that demand my (almost)continuous attention.

    I don’t want to write to you in a hurried mannner – I can’t think clearly that way. And doing so will be a discourtesy to you … as if I’m looking down on you; sort of a “YOU should be grateful that I’m condescending myself to spend my precious time with you, serf”.

    I’ll catch up with you and your thoughts the first chance I get, Ted.

  10. cendana287 Says:

    To areps: You’re making me blush by calling me “sir”! For I know that I don’t deserve to be placed any higher than my present wish to be “normal, just like you” – no more, no less. And this is no false modesty here.

    Actually, that’s one of my main purposes and hopes in starting this blog – to learn from each other. Especially from our own experiences … the ones where we got into trouble; those where we discovered something…

    And all of us have had successes too! They don’t have to be “of world-class” – like winning the Olympic gold for 100Metres. If we look closer and think, even the ones that we regard as “small” have their particular stories to tell.

    Frankly speaking, I’m PROUD AND GRATEFUL that you all have taken the time to even consider coming to my blog. THANKS, I really appreciate it.

    BTW, what are you and Ted experimenting on??
    What’s the thing about this “posting nine lines etc”?

    P/S: Had just installed Windows XP Service Pack 3. I have only a GPRS reception at 53Kbps, and it had taken me a few DAYS to get the complete download.

    But now the screen would flicker after every five minutes or so! It had never done this before. I wonder what the problem is? Most likely something to do with “Display” in the Control Panel. But what?

  11. areps Says:

    Good day sir.

    Ted always complaining bout my entry. Normally i hv nothing to write. But to keep it updated. I will post something which is too short for him. He on the other hand will giv me 1 or 2 words comment on my entry. That’s all.

    Btw. I didn’t know much bout this IT things but i know that GPRS is damn slow.

  12. thegossiplounge Says:

    Sesi mengumpat I lahhhh kan?
    Haha.. Yeah been wondering where you’ve been.. Holla back when u had the chance ya?
    TC (“,)

  13. Letting Says:

    Cool posting.. well, sometimes, we can only really appreciated things in life when we lost it once in our life.. and it is good if there is a second chance to rebuilt a forgetten dreams.. good luck..

    Selamat Hari Merdeka..
    Satria and Srikandi Merdeka..

    Have a nice day…

  14. Patria Says:

    Hi Mat,
    I’m touched by what you wrote. Hope you find whatever it is you seek in this life. I wish you the very best and will visit your blog again.
    Salam

  15. cendana287 Says:

    Thanks, Patria, for your kind thoughts. I wish the same for you too.

    It has also gotten me to think too: “Just what is it that I’m looking for??” It might be `loyar buruk’ (cheeky/smart-ass) type of question for some. But it isn’t.

    I had read that many of us don’t really know what it is that we are looking for. So, how then will we ever find it?!

    I had thought – and genuinely felt – that “I know what it is” … It was when I was at the Gambang `pusat’ actually (Now you know why I have such good feelings about this place?).

    But after reading your comment here – I think I’ve lost it! Have to sit down and think about it again. Thanks again, Patria – You have just made me realise one very important thing that I need to work on again.

    Note to self: This matter deserves a post here, at least

  16. Lady M Says:

    Salam..

    Just happened to come across your blog and I wanna say that guys like you deserve the upmost respect. It is never easy to admit one’s fault. To look into one’s self and find what’s wrong is something only a brave person would do..

    I am glad that you have finally found the light and hopefully your family stands up together with you to see you through it.

    As humans, we are never spared from making mistakes thus all the best to you in your conquest in seeking whatever it is that you want in life. Not only for yourself but also for your loved ones.. coz I am sure those who loves you suffered the most during those period of uncertainty.

    Note: I had started a new post on Aug 26 based on Lady M’s comment above; and that by Patria. It’s titled “Lady M & Patria: Of what Was, the Now & the Future” – Ahmad aka cendana287

  17. ArahMan7 Says:

    Your blog is listed in My Sacred Links but you have to click +/- to expand the list.

    Keep on blogging my fellow traveler. Carry on the message, you’re doing great.

    Greetings and lots of love from Kuale Kangsor.

  18. Rocky's Bru Says:

    bro,

    what about forming a Stoke City club, Malaysian chapter. you be the initiator, i’ll support all the way!

  19. yh Says:

    you will be an inspiration to many, i am sure.

    the past is the past. its the present and future that counts.

    best wishes.

  20. teddymon Says:

    I always want to know how you guys rebuild yourself after turning a new leaf!

    I all goes well

  21. holytongue Says:

    …abg mat….we all have reason to be alive in the greatest garden of the almightly…….god bless u

  22. holytongue Says:

    …tq 2 bro rocky 4 t intro…wa caya lu always…

  23. sicit6 Says:

    I wish u all the best in ur effort to rebuild ur life Mat. We all have the 2nd chance. Maximize it Mat. God Bless U!

  24. fara fatihah Says:

    ur blog is very much inspiring.keep writing and all da best. God bless u:)

  25. anakmalaysia Says:

    Wish you all the best and read a lot from you for me to learn in life.

    Selamat Berpuasa


  26. Bro Mart,

    welcome back!! been thr too,.. even tho not IN THERE but kinda gone thru a situation wth d drug tingy too,..heheh..neway wish u all d best in ur future undertaking Bro,.. may Allah give u courage n strenght in ur quest for d real meaning of LIFE dat will give u d peace of d mind,..heheh.. i found ME & insyaallah u’ll find YOU.. wat can I say..(,”)

    SAY NO TO NWO!! SAY BYE TO AnWar & PLah!!

    p.s bros, selamat brsahur & brposa..banyakkan amal ibadah..

  27. holytongue Says:

    …stoke city kat divison brapa skrang ni?

  28. selvaraja somiah Says:

    Bro Ahmad,

    Well done and keep the fire burning man! Shall support you man!

  29. shariran Says:

    Bro, let’s start a Stoke City FC fan club in Malaysia. It’s about time Malaysians know more about English Premier League other than M U, Chelsea , Liverpool , Arsenal..ha ha ha..it’s been 23 long years since we’ve been back in the limelight.We shall not let this chance go to waste.. STOKE CITY FOREVER!!!

  30. junglebunnyintheuk Says:

    I just wanted to say how touched I was reading your blog. I wish you all the best and will bookmark your blog from now on :)

  31. cendana287 Says:

    @Rocky’s Bru wrote:

    > bro,
    >
    > what about forming a Stoke City club, Malaysian chapter. you be the initiator, i’ll support all the way!

    What a day this has been! Me being featured at your blog, which has TRIPLED hits in just two hours … hits that had taken three weeks to build up!

    And now, the great Ahirudin Attan himself leaving a comment here! (sorry for leaving out the other “t” at times when I’m careless. YES, I know what’s it like, so it’s NOT “okay” as some people might say :-) )

    I can’t believe this is happening – the day had started off as ordinary enough

    Are you a Stoke City fan too?? Nah, you’re “too high-profile and glamorous” to be one:-)
    Yes, great to have a Malaysian Stole City fan club. But ME being the initiator doesn’t quite cut it – I never was a leader … although I was appointed and elected as a `Pengawas’ at Pusat Serenti Gambang. Oh, that’s a big deal because, unlike schools, the prefect’s unofficial job is to protect and defend others. Like covering up their misdeeds, instigate riots etc :-)

    Anyway, I’ll be like you too – I’ll fully support whoever would initiate it. But I can’t – I don’t have “the credibility” or means for such an undertaking (you might cry if you see the situation I’m in). It requires “a big man”, which I – right now – am still not.

    BTW, there goes my desire to be “anonymous”. There’ll be snide and hurtful remarks here and at your site (especially). But I’m leaving it all to Allah, and pray that things will work out to be the best for me … as being sent to Gambang was (although it sure didn’t look like it then). HE knows better, that’s an undeniable fact.

    Wassalam.

    TO ALL YOU FOLKS HERE: THANKS for coming, and all the kind words! I’m left to wonder at all of these, after being mentioned at “Rocky’s Bru”. It’s 1.58 a.m already but I don’t I’ll be able to sleep:-)

  32. delcapo Says:

    look 4ward to reading more from u bro….

    adding u to my blogRoll

    thx Rocky for his post which brought me here…

    _______________

    http://delcapo.wordpress.com/

  33. ladyfromhell Says:

    hi m8,
    congrats!

  34. Gabriel Lim Says:

    Dear Mat,

    I am so glad that I manage to get your blog link via rocky’s blu blog. Finding this blog game me new ideas & inspirations to talk to my youngest brother who is dabbing with party drugs.

    Please keep up with your inspiring works. I’ll always remember you in my prayers. keep writing and all the best. God bless

  35. flyer168 Says:

    Dear Encik Ahmad,

    I would like to “Commend” you for being able to pen your “Life’s Journey & Experience” & creating this “Remarkable” Blogsite,

    You are one of the God chosen Leaders who have “Achieved” the distinction to “Appreciate & make good” this 2nd chance in Life.

    To quote your words :

    “If that is so, then “my sufferings” at least had served to help someone else in whatever way … that I was/am “God’s instrument who served to fulfill purposes decided by Him”.

    This is one small explanation for the post’s title of “Making sense of drug addiction…” There are REASONS why God has decreed these to happen to me – and NOT “secara kebetulan” (by chance). There is A GRAND DESIGN by God on each one of us … We’ll have to discover what He has set us out to do.” Unquote.

    For your info, Allah has blessed my family & I with a daughter, son & five grand children.

    I had been a member of the PEMADAM – International IFNGO Bureau for sometime, so I am forwarding this info & Blogsite to YBhg Dato’ Hj Mustapha Ma of PEMADAM.

    Who knows, your documented “Life’s Journey & Experience” could open new “Frontiers” to that “Destination”.

    May Allah continue to “Bless, Protect & Guide” you to be that “Leader” in your field, so do keep recording your “Positive” journey to that “Destination” for others to emulate. Insha Allah.

    flyer168.loke@gmail.com

  36. MatKodiang Says:

    salaam mat,

    you are the third stoke city fan that i knew of bro(rocky and one advertising friend of mine are the other two rare breeds). like the potters, i must say that you have the will to persevere and the courage to fight on against all odds.

    welcome back to the ‘real’ world bro. though it’s not really pretty and perfect like what we wish for but it’s still a place to call our own. we have to learn to feel grateful and bersyukur to Allah for what He has blessed us however big or small because nothing is too big or too small in His eyes. whatever it is, we are sent to this world for a purpose, you and me and everyone else.

    anyway i love reading your blog. i feel connected because i was brought up during the ‘flower power’ era and had few buddies wasted their life away to drugs. i will keep reading your post from time to time. just keep them coming bro. take it from me bro, you’ve the talent as a good writer.

    till then, may Allah bless you always….

  37. Dave Says:

    David B might have been there for you too if you had been more honest in those early days… I guess this explains a lot though.

  38. alan bane Says:

    Hi Mart,

    Well first, let me congratulate you on your successful recovery from your addiction. I know the hell you must have been through but you are a survivor and thats important.

    You know I started my career as a drug rehabilitation counselor at the young tender age of 21 in the mid 80s. The drug centre was in Kuala Kubu Bharu run by the Ministry of Welfare at that time. One of my first client was a 40 something pak cik who was married and had several children. I was just starting out in life and it was so much difficult to talk to someone twice your age and connect with him.

    I met him recently at a gerai in Jalan Raja Muda. He hugged me and tears flowed from his eyes telling me that he’s okay and that his daughter will be married soon.

    Looking back I had no regrets working with drug dependents at all.

  39. amoker Says:

    Take care and be strong.

  40. battousai Says:

    Were you one of the active poster in usenet a few years ago? you’re writing sounds familiar..

  41. zorro Says:

    Mart: Iwill stand shoulder to shoulder with you in spirit in this your journey, if you will have me beside you.

    NA’s serenity prayer must have taken root from this prayer of Francis of Assisi:

    Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
    Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
    where there is injury, pardon;
    where there is doubt, faith;
    where there is despair, hope;
    where there is darkness, light;
    where there is sadness, joy;

    O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
    to be understood as to understand;
    to be loved as to love.

    For it is in giving that we receive;
    it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
    and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

    The Prayer of St Francis of Assisi

    St. Francis was born at Assisi in 1182. After a care free youth, he turned his back on inherited wealth and committed himself to God. Like many early saints, he lived a very simple life of poverty, and in so doing, gained a reputation of being the friend of animals. He established the rule of St Francis, which exists today as the Order of St. Francis, or the Franciscans. He died in 1226, aged 44.

  42. rajan Says:

    Hi MAT ! Way to go ! Dont worry you CAN get back what you lost. Its only a matter of time.
    Keep up the fight !
    God bless you


  43. Salam Mat
    I believe in second chances. You’ve got it now. Don’t blow it.
    Good luck. Will keep track of this blog, insya’Allah.

  44. Juggling Sista Says:

    Hi Mat,

    Your articles in The Star showed me there’s a real person behind the addict. I am glad to have found you here. Take heart that God is always with you and will never desert you. Keep writing and reaching out. Your wife and kids must be so proud of you.


  45. Hi Ahmad

    Isn’t the blogging world amazing? We can reach each other at the click of a mouse. Thanks to Rockybru, I can drop by to say hello.

    I read your first post and I’m touched by your Abah and your Kak. Please tell them that the things they have done for you is an inspiration to me. They inspire me to be a better sister and I shall draw strength from them.

    Sometimes when the going gets tough, I would visit people and places where the tough is even tougher. That makes me realize how lucky I am. I would go to see babies who are born deformed, children who are battered and broken, and the elderly who are abandoned and lonely.

    We are here in this world to give each other strength. It is our past that determines how far we can reach out, touch lives and make a difference in this world. Your American friend, David, has touched your life and you will touch many, many others.

    May God Almighty be with you always

  46. Kim Chow Says:

    Hi Ahmad

    I wish to share this quote with you:

    We live our lives by leaving footprints in the world. Someone, somewhere, will find our footprints and carry on our work for the good of humanity.

  47. Muzli Mohd Zin Says:

    Mat,

    Have a good heart and you’ll never cry.
    Kill your ego and you’ll will fly.

    Every one dies but not every one really lives.

    All the best!

    Muzli

  48. Rastaman.JB. Says:

    Dude Mart…..keep it goinn man……you’re on the right track ……may good things happen to you…the road may be long and ardous….but keep it going maan !

    BR
    RastamanJB.

  49. zealot Says:

    bro,

    keep it up. i was once a “pusher” during my school days way back in 70s. but i’ve never “chase” that bloody dry coke.

    Know how u feel bro. I’ve seen many died like a dog. you r a strong man.

    keep it up man.

  50. Zalp Says:

    Its a very inspiring blog. I respect your courage. Standing up again takes courage and determination.

    I sincerely hope everything is going well for you. Don’t give up on life.

    Read your article on the star some time ago but only the first part, now i manage to finish it off today.

  51. azhar Says:

    Dear Mart,

    Allah sentiasa bersama mereka yang ingin membantu diri sendiri…

    Keep up your good words and works here, coz not only people involve in the ‘market’ benefits, but it inspires us all…

    Semoga sinar Ramadhan terus merahmati kita…

  52. monstermom Says:

    My uncle is one hard-core junkie and until now he never fail to hurt us. How I wish he could be you… may be one day…

    It hurts reading your blog which brings back the tears that I’ve kept for quite a long time….

    Thank you. Salam Ramadhan and good luck.


  53. Ahmad from Kelantan{AK!!!}
    Every Morn , as the Dawn begins to show
    Say a little thank you to the DIVINE &
    The Universe
    for the light that has come back into your life.
    As the day moves,
    Always hold on to the faith,
    As you would tumble or shake ever so often.
    But, all of your waking moments,
    always remember,
    there are many of us,
    who will keep sending out to you,
    our wishes on your Journey.
    Godspeed!

  54. Hantu Gigi Jarang Says:

    Bro, if you’re strong, I hope your wife and kids were stronger! Please tell us more about them.

    Hantu Gigi Jarang

  55. Sonia Says:

    Reading thru all of today newspapers and blogs and then i stumbled onto your blog… i found it a good read and inspiring, knowing that you’ve gone thru so much but yet have found the strength to change things around. Will be dropping by often. Here’s wishing you selamat berpuasa and god bless always.

  56. siti Says:

    Salam Mat,

    Can i get your personal email?..i have to talk with u regarding some matter…its private anyway…

  57. SAC Says:

    This is the first time I am writing a response to any blog.
    I can imagine you have been to hell and back. Have courage and perseverance and remember no matter how bad things may seem, “the sun will rise again tomorrow”. You have anonymous friends.

  58. Suria Says:

    Allahu Yahdiika bil khayr..

    semoga Allah mengurniakan kamu segala kebaikan..amin..

  59. Jalak Says:

    Semoga ramai yang akan sedar setelah baca blog MAT..

    Salam ramadan ..

    Semoga sihat2 selalu..

  60. woody Says:

    This is inspirational, great that you got your life back.

    Salam Ramadan..

    -woody

  61. Mat Salo Says:

    Mart,

    Salam Mubarrak Ramadhan Kareem…

    You write so well, Mart, and so inspiring…

    Good luck and hope to come visit here often…

  62. galadriel Says:

    I have news for you. Most of us are some kinda addicts. Some are hooked on coffee, others on cigarettes.
    Yet others are approval junkies. Some are addicted to power and money. Then there is women, gambling, alcohol …i cud go on.
    But brother, the bottomline is, we are all fallible. I like this honesty of yours.

    I too destroyed 10 years of my life. My awakening a last year. I chose to change my life. 2007 was a landmark year for me. It was baptism of fire. I survived. I’m on my way to gaining control and setting a direction for my future.

    A future in which one of my goals is to touch as many lives positively, as God gives me the time and opportunity to.

    I would like to share some things that will heal your heart and mind. Do get in touch.

    It is never too late to start anew. Hope to hear from u soon.

  63. jz Says:

    Salam Mat

    aku ada gak cerita pasal dadah ni:

    Pakcik aku, penagih dadah hardcore, tak boleh buat ape dah. Polis pon tamau tangkap, unless dia pecah rumah ke ape ke. kalu jumpe time isap dadah, bagi penerajang 2,3 biji pastu blah. makcik aku pulak, who is adik pakcik aku tu mati pasal aids, sebab laki dia drug addict hardcore gak. sampai sudah dia tak tau laki dia camtu sampai la laki dia sakit dan mati tinggal anak 2 orang. sekarang 2 sepupu aku tu, sorang 2 tahun , sorang lagi 5 tahun. dua dua ada hiv. ko penah tak bayangkan budak 2 tahun basuh berak sendiri, cuci luka sendiri, masak nasi sendiri!! makcik aku yg dok bela dia sekarang pon takut nak rapat. takut jangkit kat anak-anak dia. dah puas aku explain pasal aids ni tak berjangkit kat dia, tapi tak jalan.
    tu la bahana dadah. Ko bertuah sebab cepat sedar. aku harap ko terus berubah dan ingatlah keluarga, kawan2 ko jika ko terasa nak buat kerja jahanam tu lagi.
    aku respek ko sebagai seorang yg kuat semangat. aku salut ko. macam diorang cakap, masih belum terlambat nak mula hidup baru.

  64. cendana287 Says:

    @jz
    Assalamualaikum jz.

    Terima kasih kerana komen saudara, dan maklumat yang sdr kongsi ni. Dalam semua comment-comment yang saya terima, yang datang dari saudaralah yang saya paling sayu dan hiba.

    Sebak dalam dada yang saya dapat rasa, kasihan, kecewa, hampa … bila baca dan bayang tentang budak-budak kecik yang tak berdosa tu. Inilah yang paling sayu sekali, bila orang yang putih-suci, tak ada setitik salah atau dosa pun merana!…kerana kesalahan orang lain.

    Saya, Alhamdulillah, tidak mengidap penyakit ni. Tapi semasa di penjara dan pusat, ramai yang saya kenal. Di penjara & pusat, mereka di asingkan. Tapi di pusat tu, bukan makna macam “di pulau”. Tidak.

    Ya, masa saya mula-mula duduk lock-up pada 2005, ada seorang yang saya kenal sebelum tu – orang yang jual `ubat’ kepada saya pada 1996 – ada HIV. Saya terkejut, mula-mula tak cam langsung. Dulu kira smart jugak, kurus pun. Tapi telah jadi `kering’, dan ada tanda-tanda pada kulit dia. Bila saya tanya, “Demo ado HIV ko, Ju? “, dia angguk…

    Secara jujur, saya jadi takut; macam yang sdr kata tentang emak saudara tu. Sebab saya tak betul-betul yakin bagaimana HIV ni boleh berjangkit. Dia gian kuat dan mintak tolong saya urut. Sepatutnya, sebagai `kawan/kenal lama’, saya buatlah. Lagi pun, saya tak gian apa-apa. Tapi saya jadi tak mahu.

    Alasan untuk jaga hati dia, saya kata “kito pun letih lesu jugok, tak rhok; takdok rheng, giae”. Walhal saya takut, “mana tau, silap-silap akan jadi jangkitan bila tangan kita urut dia”…

    Kalaulah sesama penagih pun dah ada takut dan salah faham, bayangkanlah bila melibatkan orang lain; yang sememangnya sedia kuat dengan sifat dan sikap anti-pengguna dadah/yang ada rekod dadah. Adakah mereka ni “akan tiba-tiba jadi open-minded”?? Tidak.

    APA YANG KITA BOLEH BUAT UNTUK BAIKI KEADAAN NI? Masing-masing dari kita ada kuasa, kebolehan, kelebihan yang berbeza. Saya rasa kita fikir sendiri secara jujur dan ikhlas. DAN BUAT bila peluang/suasana muncul. Kita tak boleh main lepas tangan, tuduh/marah/persenda orang itu-ini, harap ke kerajaan dll. Ini tak produktif, tak effective.

    Terima kasih, sdr. Cerita tentang dua kanak-kanak yang tak bersalah tu, yang menderita sebab orang lain … Insyaallah saya guna sebagai pengajaran, sebagai benda “untuk bersyukur kepada Allah tentang saya sendiri”, untuk buat semangat dan tenaga nak perbetul diri sendiri.

    Saya sendiri pun “masih belum tentu selamat”… Tak ada seorang pun yang boleh bagi guarantee 100% tak akan terjebak semula. Seperti dalam ungkapan tajuk blog ni – “A lifetime’s journey to…” Ia perjalanan dan usaha sepanjang hayat – Hanya “100% guarantee” bila temu mati. Tapi sebelum masa tu sampai, kena terus usaha dan mengelak, dari satu hari ke satu hari yang lain. Sampai… Ini hakikat dia mengikut pengalaman sendiri dan orang lain tentang “ketagihan dan penagihan”, yang saya dan semua orang kena terima.

    P/S: Saya sedang berfikir samada untuk terjemahkan ke Bahasa Inggeris comment saudara dan buat satu Post baru tentang apa yang saudara beritahu. Moga-moga akan jadi pengajaran dan iktibar kepada lebih ramai pembaca di sini (Ada yang tak fasih/tak tahu Bahasa Malaysia)
    Wassalam.

  65. G&R Says:

    Assalamualaikum..

    Izinkan aku bercakap bahasa mak aku( petikan Osman Tikus dari Kembara Senima Jalanan)

    Abe Mat, pertamanya tahniah kerana telah diberi hidayah untuk kembali ke pangkal jalan dan yang paling penting jutaan terima kasih kerana menyisihkan perasaan malu dan tidak lokek untuk berkongsi secebis pengalaman hidup abe.Kita sesama makhluk tuhan memang dipertanggungjawabkan untuk beringat antara sesama sendiri.

    NUkilan yang datang dari hati ini jelas terpancar keikhlasanya walaupun screen monitor 17 inchi ku ini telah direndahkan brightness nya, aku dapat merasai kesedaran dan keredhaan Abe dalam menerima segala musibah yang menimpa selama ini.

    Ada benarlah juga kata2 bidalan yang tersangkut dalam kehidupan2 seumpana ini, life begin at 40’s .. Jadi jika anda rasa diri anda teruk, janganlah fikir anda akan teruk selama2nya kerana biarlah seteruk mana pun , usahalah kerana pintu taubat itu sentiasa terbukak dan bantulah juga pada mereka2 yang senasib seperti abe.Jangan kite sisihkan kerana haram hukumnya memutuskan ikatan Silaturrahim sesama insan. Aku juga adalah manusia biasa yang tidak terlepas dari melakukan dosa, jadi sama2 lah kita ambil iktibar dan renungk2kan coretan abe ini, muhasabah diri sebaik2 nya.

    Bagi yang muslim, Aku ada terbaca satu pendapat, Adakah kita Islam, atau kita islam, apakah bezanya 2 huruf ‘i’ tersebut? kerana jika diikut hukum bahasa I besar merujuk pada kata nama khas , manakala yang kecil kata nama am.Jadi yang Khas itu adalah bagi mereka2 yang beramal dengan gaya hidup Islam tetapi yang am itu pula mungkin hanya pada sekadar nama.Betulkan aku kalau tersilap, aku pun masih banyak perlu mencari sinar nih..

    Buat Abe dan pengunjung, selamat berpuasa dan beramal di bulan mulia Ramadhan al mubarak ini. HIdup mesti terus! ketika membaca blog ini lagu nyanyian yantzen seakan2 bermain di telinga..

    Insan

    Kita adalah insan
    Menumpang atas dunia
    Aku dengan caraku
    Yang sederhana

    Kita adalah hamba
    Berbakti pada Yang Esa
    Aku mencari sinar
    Keredhaannya

    Kita sama sahaja
    Bezanya cuma amalan kita
    Engkau dan juga aku
    Saling perlukan

    Oh cinta yang murni
    Sebagai ikatan
    Yang kukuh di hati
    Demi masa depan
    Jangan dihancurkan
    Hidup yang indah ini
    Akibatnya merana

    Jangan hancurkan
    Hidup yang indah
    Kita adalah hamba Yang Esa

  66. lil ms d Says:

    hi, found you via rocky’s blog. you write well, and you inspire others. have you ever thought of conducting writing workshops for the community, the partner organisations of MAC and PTF? if you’re interested, drop me a line! and keep on writing!

  67. kejung Says:

    ntah laa abe mat, i dah benti berharap.. i tgk mcm mana family musnah dek kerana dadah ni.. i sedih tiap kali teringat. one of my family member terjebak..hampir separuh hidup dia jadi hamba dadah, dah kuar masuk lokap..kowtim nyer pasal..lepas..

    bila baca posting abe mat, rasa cam ada harapan adik aku nak berubah..
    &&& ### &&&
    ***[5 Sept 3.02 PM] cendana287 comments: kejung, saya turut jadi sedih, hampa serta malu pada diri sendiri bila baca. Saya tau, memang malang bagi mana-mana keluarga pun bila ada ahlinya terlibat dengan dadah. Khususnya bila ketagih jenis Opiate (asal dari candu) iaitu heroin & morphine; dan jugak jenis Amphetamine-types macam pil kuda, ecstacy dan syabu (ice).

    Kalaulah keluarga tu dulu secara amnya “riang”, akan beransur-ansur jadi “muram” … dari satu minggu, bulan dan tahun. Suasana ni akan kekal “selagi pokoknya ada”. Kalau tuan punya tubuh tu tak buat keputusan DAN ambik tindakan untuk brake dan stop, tak banyak yang orang lain akan boleh buat. Dalam hal ni, kita akan nampak “Kuasa Tuhan” … Kalau tidak, bagaimana kita nak explain tentang mereka-mereka yang “telah buat sesuatu”?

    (Saya tak mau kata “berjaya” dan “pulih”, termasuk dan khususnya saya jugak. Ni hanya boleh confirm iya atau tidak pada hari seseorang tu meninggal dunia. Kalau sepanjang tempuh tu dia secara amnya “okay”, walau mungkin ada sekali-sekala “buat slack”, maka baru boleh kita CONFIRM dan `backdated’ … “Arwah Mamat tu, dia start pulih dadah dari tahun 2005… dia tak buat dah, sampai dia mati tahun 2008″)

    Saya yakin bahawa saudara dan keluarga telah cuba macam-macam. Mungkin termasuk mintak tolong bomoh. Mungkin bomoh ada beri `tangkal’, `air tawar’ dsb. Dan saya jugak yakin family member tu ada pernah taubat & janji, pernah kata “insaf” dsb. Family pun menaruh harapan, berharap “akan jadi pembahruan”. Dan mungkin jugak ada nampak kemajuan buat seketika. Keluarga mula berani nak bergembira sikit … tapi kemudian dia patah balik.

    Bila kerap dok berulang begini, sapa-sapa pun tentu akan jadi frust, jadi hilang kepercayaan; jadi benci dan meluat dan akan give up harapan bahawa dia boleh sembuh. Kalau setakat “okay sikit” pun sudah kira tak apa. Tapi dia macam tu jugak, mungkin lebih teruk. Bila kena tangkap; kena masuk lock-up, penjara, pusat; keluarga sebenarnya jadi lega. Sekurang-kurangnya dia tak tambah kacau-bilau pada tempoh tu. “Harap-harap lepas keluar, tak buat lagi. Tapi tak tau lah, sebab yang lepas-lepas tu, dia buat pulak…”

    Tapi kita tetap ingat dan berharap dengan “Kuasa Tuhan” ni, terus berdoa, berharap, usaha… Walaupun kita rasa amat fed-up, sebab sudah terlalu lama keadaan ni. Kalau tak macam ni, macam mana lagi yang kita nak buat, yang kita boleh buat?

  68. jz Says:

    Salam mat

    kalau boleh jadikan pengajaran, silakan..

  69. Mat Salo Says:

    Bro Mart,

    Thanks for leaving kind words on my blog, bro’. You’re too kind. Like wise I’ve also added you on my blogroll.

    I’m also responding directly to bro jz above to direct to a friend’s blog who specializes in PLWHA…

    Bro’ you have a great potential to make a big impact because of your direct personal knowledge. I hope you will be an inspiration to many bro… especially to those once ‘lost’ like you. You are the light bro, and I pray you keep it shining!

    P.S. Penguasaan dalam bahasa ibunda Anda juga mantep, Pak! Me? Inngeris pon hapasik, BM lagi hancus… You got the God-given talent, bro’. Use it.

  70. adek Says:

    must congratulate u for your being brave n willingness to share your past experinece, to help others to learn from it. I have included yrs into my favourites

  71. hishamAR Says:

    Assalamualaikum Mat – bak kata TGNA kita ni hamba Allah sekaligus kita juga khalifah Allah di muka dunia ini. The mastermind is Allah. Dia Pencipta kita Mat. Kembali lah kepada Nya. Dia yang Maha tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kita. Segala yang berlaku ada hikmahnya. Kita ada tanggung jawab dan ada amanah yang dipikul.

    Kembali lah kepada Pencipta kita. Usah lagi bergantung harap pada yang lain. Bergantung harap lah kita pada Allah. Ramadhan ini 10 pertamanya penuh rahmat Allah, 10 kedua adalah keampunanNya, dan 10 terakhir sebelum raya tu pembebasan kita dari api Neraka Mat, melayakkan kita masuk Syurga Mat.

    Di Lailatulqadar pula amalan kita adalah lebih afdal daripada 83 tahun 4 bulan. Hebat Mat, Allah tu Maha Penyayang. Kita belum terlambat. Appreciate this opportunity. Banyak yang tidak mendapat peluang ini lagi, sudah mati. Kita ini masih menyedut udara Allah.

    Saya menulis ini dengan linangan air mata Mat, saya sayu. Berkat Ramadhan ini insyaAllah, kita akan berusaha sedaya mampu yg terbaik melalui satu proses pembersihan dari segala dosa & noda, penuh ikhlas menghambakan diri padaNya.

    Munajat dan mengaku segala silap dan kelemahan kita, mohon ampunanNya, dan mohon petunjuk ke jalan yang lurus, dan the first few steps for this long journey is here today, this very Ramadhan. Make it the best ever bro !!

    What you are sharing in your blog is very touching and full of message to ponder and to relate. I am full of praise. Semoga ada nilaian di sisi Allah sebagai ilmu yang bermanafaat as well as amal jariah, yang dividennya berkekalan hingga akhirat, InsyaAllah.

    I don’t mind if u drop by at my http://www.schooloftots.blogspot.com to say hi. Til then Assalamualaikum.

  72. hishamAR Says:

    Assalamualaikum bro mat, TQ for visiting me at my blog & thanks for putting me up as one of your link. Appreciate for the posting & your generous comment. Istiqamah dlm perjuangan, InsyaAllah.

    hishamAR.


  73. [...] I had gone wrong when it comes to making my choices. And boy, did I get it!… as the page of Rebuilding a self and a life [...]


  74. [...] at a dank police lockup in Pasir Mas (31 Oct-6 Nov `05) while waiting to be sent to Gambang… (See this earlier account if you had missed it and click on the newspaper links) Caption: A newcomer to a pusat. Put glasses on them, slighly [...]

  75. nobisha Says:

    http://nobisha.blogspot.com/

    APAKAH MAKNA STATISTIK INI?

    Seramai 12,352 penagih dadah dilaporkan pada tahun lepas, berbanding 22,811 pada tahun 2006. Ini termasuklah penagih baru dan berulang. Kata Timbalan Menteri di Jabatan Perdana Menteri Dato’ Chor Chee Heung, ini menunjukkan tren penurunan sebanyak 50 peratus.

    Biar saya ucapkan tahniah kepada Agensi Anti-Dadah Kebangsaan (AADK) dan lain-lain agensi kerajaan atas “pencapaian” ini. Semoga usaha Malaysia untuk mencapai sasaran penagih dadah sifar menjelang 2015 berjaya.

    Opps, nanti dulu!

    Mari kita lihat semula statistik ini.

    Statistik hanyalah angka. Angka yang diberikan dalam sebarang kajian dipungut dengan menggunakan metodologi tertentu.

    Dalam kes ini, angka penagih dadah yang dikeluarkan oleh AADK diambil dari bilangan tangkapan yang dilakukan oleh agensi-agensi penguatkuasa seperti polis. Kalau maklumat saya salah, sila betulkan.

    Kalau banyak tangkapan, tinggilah angka itu. Kalau kurang tangkapan, angka itu menjadi rendah.

    Ada sebab-sebab mengapakah jumlah tangkapan menjadi tinggi atau rendah.

    Sebagai contoh, agensi penguatkuasa mungkin sibuk dengan kes-kes atau tugasan lain dan ini mengurangkan tumpuan mereka kepada kes penagihan dadah. Maka, statistik tangkapan menjadi rendah.

    Adakah itu bermakna jumlah penagih dadah berkurangan? Saya tidak fikir begitu. Angka tangkapan yang tinggi atau rendah tidak bermaksud penagih dadah bertambah atau berkurangan.

    Mari kita ambil contoh kes-kes aduan pelanggan dalam sesebuah organisasi. Ada kakitangan pengurusan yang seronok apabila dapat mengurangkan jumlah aduan pelanggan. Mereka bersorak dan mengatakan ini bermaksud bilangan pelanggan yang berpuas hati meningkat. Buktinya, bilangan aduan menurun. Huh?

    Biar saya katakan bahawa bukan susah nak turunkan bilangan aduan pelanggan. Tutup saluran aduan. Kalau dulu boleh mengadu melalui sms, email, bersemuka dan surat, sekarang buat peraturan bahawa aduan pelanggan hanya boleh dibuat melalui surat atau secara bersemuka. Pasti, bilangan aduan yang diterima akan turun secara mendadak.

    Satu lagi kaedah ialah mengklasifikasikan aduan. Proses pengklasifikasian aduan juga akan mengurangkan jumlah aduan yang diterima secara drastik. Adakah ini bermaksud tahap kepuasan pelanggan meningkat. Oh, tidak. Sesekali tidak!

    Oleh itu, sebelum kita bersorak mengenai “pencapaian” mengurangkan jumlah penagih dadah sebanyak 50 peratus dalam tempoh dua tahun, elok kita semak semula metodologi yang digunakan bagi mengutip angka tersebut.

    Atau, untuk lebih objektif elok kita katakan bahawa “bilangan penagih dadah yang ditangkap berkurangan” sebanyak 50 peratus dalam tempoh dua tahun.

    Ini tentunya berbeza dengan “bilangan penagih dadah berkurangan” sebanyak 50 peratus dalam tempoh dua tahun.

    Oh ya, dalam Buletin Laporan AADK disebutkan “bilangan penagih dadah yang dikesan”. Istilah “yang dikesan” bermaksud “yang ditangkap”. Itu istilah yang betul. Apa yang tak betul ialah apabila Timbalan Menteri dan media menyebut berlaku tren penurunan bilangan penagih sebanyak 50 peratus dalam tempoh dua tahun.

    Saya bangkitkan persoalan ini kerana tak mahu kita berasa selesa dan menganggap isu penagih dadah dah selesai. Saya tak mahu kita dibuai mimpi dan mengatakan jumlah mereka berkurangan secara drastik.

    Sahabat saya, Husin Lempoyang tentu akan kata “Wow!” Kalau boleh turunkan sebanyak itu dalam tempoh dua tahun, kita tak perlu tunggu tahun 2015 untuk capai sasaran penagih dadah sifar. Tahun depan pun penagih dadah dah tak ada lagi.

    Wow!

  76. nash Says:

    Bro.. aku respect dgn usaha lu yg x mengenal jemu utk berhenti menagih.aku pun ada adik umur dah dekat 40 HIV positive.tapi aku pernah sisih dia walaupun dia dah byk kali kembali semula menagih.aku faham keadaan korang..rindu kat benda tu memang menyakitkan..adik aku dah hampir setengah mati masa mula2 dia disahkan HIV positive.kelenjar dia dah mula bengkak berselang seli dengan demam yang tak putus putus.tapi aku dan keluarga aku sayang kan dia aku mahu dia kembali semula ke pangkal jalan sebab dia adalah darah daging aku jugak. dia dah berhenti dekat setahun sampai peringkat takde selera nak hisap rokok…tetapi dia baru-baru ni selepas dia sihat sikit dia dah kembali menagih semula..
    aku cuma dapat berdoa agar dia boleh meninggal kan benda haram tu ..wassalam..

    • Mat Cendana Says:

      *Saudara Nash – Bila saya baca catatan mengenai adik saudara – walaupun agak pendek – saya rasa sudah cukup untuk saya dan mereka-mereka yang pernah alami untuk faham banyak perkara.

      Yang pertama sekali, Nash dan keluarga adalah golongan yang “tinggi” – hanya mereka-mereka yang ada sifat KASIH yang tebal di dalam diri sahaja yang tidak akan menyisih ahli keluarga yang menagih bertahun-tahun dan berulang kali.

      Saya tahu bagaimana Nash tentu sedih dan pedih, khususnya setiap kali adik menagih semula walaupun nampak beliau ada perubahan pada sebelumnya… mungkin beberapa minggu atau bulan atau mungkin juga TAHUN. Sebelum relapse pertengahan 1990-an, percaya tak saya berjaya bebas selama 12 tahun!

      Tapi itulah hakikatnya – tidak ada guarantee, jaminan seseorang akan terus bebas selama-lamanya.Saya rasa Nash, keluarga dan juga adik — walaupun menagih semula, janganlah anggap “gagal”… janganlah lihat kepada relapse sahaja kerana beliau juga pernah “berjaya”. Setiap HARI, minggu, bulan dan tahun beliau bebas, anggaplah itu sebagai kejayaan. Jangan berhenti, yakni dari MENCUBA – walau 100 kali relapse dan kalau umur 60, 70, 90 sekali pun, cubalah sekali lagi. Dan untuk Nash dan keluarga, jangan putus harap. Orang yang dianggap “paling lekeh, terhina” – Allah Maha Kuasa boleh beri anugerah kemulian kepada sesiapa yang Dia mahu…

  77. Joe A Says:

    I am currently starting over again rebuilding my life after addiction ruined my life. It took two years after I got sober, just last week, for me to be able to come to terms with everything I lost and be willing and able to make a commitment to rebuild from scratch. I don’t know how to do it yet, I am scared to be honest with you and not having any friends still doesn’t make it any easier. (If you want to read about how it is going, I am writing a blog about it at http://rebuildingat30.blogspot.com )


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